Boys and Puppies

    Mike Stoops, my next door neighbor, had a beautiful cocker spaniel named Sally. When Sally had a litter of pups, Mike and I could not wait to hold them and play with them. I remember lying on the ground with those puppies jumping all over us, yapping and yipping, licking and nibbling our ears and faces as our giggles bubbled uncontrollably from way down deep in our carefree childhood hearts. There is something almost magical about eight-year-old boys and puppies.

    After school one afternoon, I was looking out of the big window in our den that overlooked our back yard and the acres and acres of Mr. Early’s pastures. My dad called that window a picture window. Many are the times I saw him stand with a cup of coffee in his hand looking out of that window watching a sunset. It was probably his favorite thing about that house.

    As I looked out of the window, I saw the puppies playing in the backyard next door; and the urge to play with them was irresistible. I headed for the back door, telling my mom that I was going outside. “No problem,” she responded. I later wished that she had been right.

    Out of the door my steps assumed laser-beam purpose and I headed straight to Mike’s back yard. He wasn’t home, but he wouldn’t care if I played with the pups. All those pups climbing over me— just me—seemed like heaven. They nibbled at my “tenny shoes” biting the laces and chewing on the hems of my britches, which is what I called my jeans.

    I heard mom call; I had to go.

    As I started home, the puppies followed. I told them to go back. They didn’t. I picked up the pace, but they ran after me, still biting my laces and the jeans around my ankles. By the time I got to the big picture window behind my house, I was panicked. The puppies had to go home. Then I tripped over one. When I hit the ground, they were on me, nibbling and licking; but I wasn’t laughing. What had been fun had now become aggravation. As I was scrambling to my feet, I was yelling at those pups to go home. They still didn’t. I went from aggravated to angry. I commenced to kicking and yelling at them until they finally turned tail and started running home.

    But I wasn’t through. Just to finish the job, I picked up a handful of rocks from our driveway and threw them at the puppies with all my eight-year-old might.

    I don’t know exactly how it happened, but one of those rocks went haywire, and instead of going toward the pups, found its line of flight through Dad’s picture window.

    Unfortunately, our sinful nature doesn’t disappear just because we grow up. Sometimes as adults, sometimes as parents, our responses can go beyond correction to carnage. We may not break windows, but we can break hearts. The stakes are much higher.

    Puppies are going to be puppies. Children are going to be children.

    Father, help us as adults to be adults, to be mature, to reflect Your nature . . . to our pups.

TRAINING: Goodbye to bullies, part 4

    There is no better trainer than Jesus when it comes to bullies. Both as an example and as a teacher, he is without parallel. His Sermon on the Mount is considered the highest collection of ethical teachings in history. Why don’t we look at some of the things he recommends in that passage? We all could use some strategies when dealing with difficult people. Anger is a learned response. Humility and humor and confidence can also be learned and practiced, too.

    Settle matters quickly with your adversary (Mt. 5:25). The King James version says, “Agree . . .  quickly.” The idea is to settle things out of court so that matters do not escalate beyond your control. Deal with it while you have it in your own power. Help your child get this strategy.
 
You trip carrying an armful of books. Scattering them across the floor, you go sprawling and a nearby observer loudly says, “Boy, what a clumsy dork!” Instead of getting angry, agree quickly by laughing, “You’re right; that certainly was clumsy. I’m still learning how to walk, (or carry books).” Pick up the books, then smile, say, “Have a great day,” and go on about your business (note: the underlined words could be whatever fits the situation.)

    “Go the second mile.” (Matthew 25:41) Similar to agreeing quickly, this strategy simply takes the insult further. If you took the same example as above, the response would be something like this:
 
You trip carrying an armful of books. Scattering them across the floor, you go sprawling and a nearby observer loudly says, “Boy, what a clumsy dork!” Go the second mile by saying, “You think I’m clumsy now? You should have seen me a few years ago. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t feed myself. I’ve come a long way.” You may be thinking that it is not true, but it is if you were ever a baby. This perspective is both humorous to your kid and mysterious to the “bully.” He may even feel bad about what he said. Don’t explain, pick up the books, then smile, say, “Have a great day,” and go on about your business (note: the key is to have a plan instead of choosing anger.)

    Many of us struggle with controlling our emotions whether they are embarrassment or anger or hurt. The key is to develop a strategy to handle these emotions. The mindset that Jesus had was to control yourself, trusting God to handle the other person. This is His way. You see it in his teachings and in his actions. In Matthew 5:43-48, He makes this statement, “Love your enemies. . . The Father causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Help your child begin to think of treating his adversaries like one of his friends. (Do not trust them like friends, but treat them like friends).

A basketball player has an attitude and it seems to be directed toward you. The coach assigns you to guard him. In the mix of play, he throws an elbow to your ribs. Two plays later, both of you go tumbling after a loose ball. You get up quickly and go help him up just as if he was a teammate. Be aggressive for good.

     One last struggle that many of our kids deal with is being the last pick at recess or for a game. The disappointment when that happens over and over again is like Chinese torture: drip, drip, drip, wearing them down little by little. Hey! There is a response that builds our kids instead of tearing them down. “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God. . .”  (1 Thess. 5:18)

    When chosen to be the last one on a team, go to the captain that chose you, even though he did not want you on his team and say, “Thanks for letting me be on your team.” Everyone wants respect and thanks; everyone wants a team with the right kind of attitude. Who wants a weak player with a bad attitude? But a weak player with a thankful attitude can be an asset to a team.    

    In most cases our kids’ responses cause more problems than the “bully’s” words. If we equip our sons and daughters to respond with Christlike wisdom, we will find that most of the bullies disappear and some may even become friends. Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.

DISCIPLINE: Fill Your Toolbox

    I had taken a year off from teaching, relocated to Mobile, Alabama, and tried my hand at selling insurance. Throughout that year, the realization grew in my own heart and mind that I needed to be in the classroom teaching. On the Sunday evening before school started, I received a phone call hiring me to teach an inner-city classroom, middle school, 100% Afro-American. I was about to cross three cultural barriers—with a briefcase full of ignorance. I found out on the first day. The next six months were warlike: me against them. They resisted; I punished. I was losing; so were they. Lose/lose situation.  Many times I would drive home in the afternoon, tears running down my face, pouring my heart out to God.

    One particular day, a seventh grader Yvonne was being particularly disrespectful. Seeing red, I walked to her desk, knelt down and stuck my finger in her face, saying, “If you ever do that again, I will . . .” I stopped, not knowing what to say next. I never finished that sentence, got up and walked away. She laughed.

    Then I attended a workshop on discipline that gave me another tool. This question was asked: Why should they obey? What benefit do the students get in your classroom? I changed. I gave them a promise of reward. If any individual obeyed me five days in a row, he would earn one day off. On that day off, he could choose to go to PE or to the library. His choice. The difference in my classroom was miraculous. We began to like each other, most of my students and I. On my next evaluation, my supervisor asked, “What did you do to get your classroom so disciplined?”

    “Disciplined?” Did she say “disciplined?” I began to realize that discipline was more than punishment. Since that time, I have come to see that discipline is more like discipling or training. Punishment is only one tool of the training process. Yes, it is an important tool, but only one tool. A reward can also be a tool.

    A good parent has a toolbox with many tools much like a good carpenter. Can you imagine a carpenter with only a hammer? His partner asks, “How long is that board?” Since he has no tape measure, the hammer-only carpenter lays his hammer down end-over-end eleven times. “Eleven hammers long,” he answers. Imagine that: using a hammer to measure! I would not hire that crazy carpenter to build my house.

    Sometimes as parents, we get in a rut by using only one tool—whether it is the right tool or not. We spank them, or we ground them, or we take things away, or we send them to their room, or we verbally rebuke them. Any of these things can have a rightful place but using only one tool is CRAZY. We have to fill our toolboxes with several different tools to be effective family-builders.

Choosing the right tool for the right situation is an important part of being a wise parent.

INTEGRITY/DISCIPLINE: Three enemies of consistency

Enemy #1: Anger

I had sent Will to my bedroom (our spanking place), and I was hot on his heels when Patricia grabbed my hand and held it firmly. “You are too angry,” she said; and she was right. I walked up and down our hallway, asking Jesus to help me calm down. He did. I went in and Will got his spanking, but not from an angry dad.

Patricia knew from past experience that anger clouded my judgment. My words and my spanks were in danger of being overcharged from the adrenalin that comes with anger. She slowed me down because she knew “man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:20)

When we discipline in anger, our perspective is skewed; and consequently, our message to our children is obscured. Instead of disciplining our children in a clear Godward direction, we leave them confused, hurt, and often angry, too. Anger does more harm than good.

Enemy #2: Lack of clarity

Another enemy of consistency came up in the first question at our most recent discussion: “The discipline area is where it is hardest to be consistent, and we have difficulty keeping the standard. What kinds of things call for a spanking?”

This is a great question because an uncertain parent will produce an uncertain child. Why do we spank? Dennis and Barbara Rainey recommend the following scripture, and we think it is a good place to start. Their thinking was that we should hate what God hates.

Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

We shortened the list for our own family to disrespect, disobedience, lying, and stealing. These things were always a big deal, and we spanked for them. You may make your own list, but have a list that you believe deserve a spanking. Discuss it with your spouse until you agree, and then remind one another as situations arise. Just having this list will help you become more consistent.

Enemy #3: Quick tears

Finally, don’t be taken in by tears. In Exodus 34:7, God says this about Himself: “He never lets the guilty go unpunished.” Tears come for many reasons: fear, pain, regret, repentance, even joy. Even genuine tears and forgiveness do not erase consequences. And we certainly cannot allow tears to negate our God-given responsibility.

A large percentage of what a child learns, he learns by age five. This young, cute age is the best time to impart respect and attention for God. Let’s adopt God’s ways and “never let the guilty go unpunished.”

All of us need to be aware of these three enemies to our own consistency:

Anger

Lack of clarity

Quick tears

As we build our consistency on God’s eternal truth, we will open a door for God to work in the hearts of our children.

DISCIPLINE: Use anger early in small doses. (#7 out of 8 great tips)

We all saw it coming. Patricia and I were visiting with a friend, calmly chatting at the kitchen table, sipping iced tea. The resident four-year-old came in, opened the fridge, and with one hand began to remove a full gallon pitcher of freshly made orange juice. You see it coming, too. Disaster in the making. As the pitcher came off the shelf, it tilted, dropped, and splattered orange juice all over the floor and nearby cabinets.

Our friend lost it. She was on her feet, screaming, belittling, name-calling. Her anger was too much and too late, doing more damage than good. Harmful and sinful, we’ve all done it.

She became angry too late.

Let me explain. Too often, we hold back our anger because we want to be sweet and kind. But inside we are building up pressure. Too much pressure and the top blows off.

Measured anger, released in a timely way, serves as a preventive action. It stops the child from a serious mistake and it maintains dignity for us and them.

A sharp word spoken at the right moment could have avoided the disaster of our uncontrolled temper. “How good is a timely word!” (Prov. 15:23) The teaching in the scripture acknowledges that anger has a time and purpose; it just needs control. “Be angry and sin not.” (Eph. 4:26) Apparently, God thinks it is possible to be angry without sinning. Let’s look at some ways.

Here are some ways for using instead of losing your temper:

— Develop the ‘look’. Look angry. Grit your teeth, compress your lips, knit your eyebrows, focus your eyes on his eyes and lock. Review tip #1 “The Stern Look.” Of course, they have to look at you for this to work.

— Develop degrees of angry tone in your voice. Instead of going from 0-60 in two seconds, go from 0-10. Raise your voice slightly and use one or two words. When they look at you, give them the look. A clear, sharp, controlled “NO” or “STOP” will often solve a problem before it happens. Raise your voice one notch; that’s all. But raise it enough to get their attention. God gave you degrees of volume. That’s where Sony got the idea.

— Use the full name. This is a gentle but firm warning. Don't use the little pet names like “baby” or “honey” but use the full name: “Keith Waldon Currie, you had better stop and think about what you are doing!”

Early preventive action will help you avoid ultimatums like, “You will never eat again for the rest of your life.” That’s the purpose of our list of tips; fill up your discipline toolbox and then use the right tool at the right time. It takes practice, but it is worth it.

Manage yourself, manage your kids. They go together.

DISCIPLINE: Tantrums are unacceptable! (#5 out of 8 great tips)

William and Patrick, eager helpers at five and eight, were working in the back yard with me. Our goal was to solve a drainage problem. God’s goal was different. Realizing that I needed to dig a shallow trench, I sent the two guys to get my “round-point” shovel. It took longer than I thought it should have. I waited. I waited impatiently. Then they came around the corner dragging my “square-point” shovel. In an instant, I lost my cool. “Don’t you know the difference between round and square?” I asked. My face was red, my veins bulging, my voice loud. They froze. I went on and on. I grabbed the shovel and took it back to the garage, seized the “round-point,” and returned to the yard. . . still fussing and fuming. The boys had turned to watch me go and kept their eyes on me, never uttering a word, as I returned.

That day, they learned the difference between round and square when referring to shovels. They also learned how to throw a temper tantrum. They also learned that working with dad was not fun.

The more I dug that trench, the more God’s Spirit spoke to me, revealing my own weakness. He showed me that digging a trench was not nearly as important as training my two sons. They were the greater project. I went to them and asked forgiveness. They forgave. Patrick and Will may have forgotten that day; I have not.

Tantrums are unacceptable, whether they are adult or childhood fits. Try these tips to help eliminate tantrums.

— Work on yourself first—eliminate your own tantrums.

— Show disapproval with your face—frown.

— Speak disapproval with your words—say, “NO! We do not act like this in our family.”

— Show disapproval with a gesture—Wag or point a finger, hold up your hand in a “halt” sign, clap your hands loudly. Get his attention, and direct his conduct to a better way.

— Speak disapproval with your tone—Let your vocal tone indicate your dislike of his behavior.

— Temporarily, don’t be nice—be firm and clear and determined.

Tips we’ve netted: Some people say to walk away and let the tantrum play out. That may work sometimes. We simply preferred to take action, to be in charge.

Quote: Proverbs 29: 11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. AND Prov. 22: 24 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, 25 or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.