Discipline mistake #4: Double standard, Double trouble

 

    “No sweets before supper!” mom says as she is finishing the icing on the cake. Then she runs her finger along the bowl and wipes out a delicious scoop of chocolate icing and, without thinking about it, pops it into her mouth.

    Or Dad comes home from work, throws his jacket over a chair, drops his case on the couch, grabs the sports section of the news, leaves the rest of the paper on the counter, plops down on his favorite throne, I mean chair, turns on the TV, kicks off his shoes, and complains about clutter.

    Of course, these areas are not nearly as serious as when we demand the truth but gossip on the phone, teach sharing but act stingy, yell at the kids about yelling at each other, or demand kindness while we act like an ogre (not Shrek).

    It is always a temptation for the person in power to use his power to excuse himself from the “rules” of the common man. It is true in politics, governments, sports, Hollywood, and on and on. Sadly, it is also true in families, because it is true in human nature.

    It was true of the Pharisees, for in Matthew 23 Jesus spoke to them this message, “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach.” And in verse 25 he said, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.”

    So this is not a new problem; it is as old as man. And it is easy to fall into this trap without knowing it.

    The Pharisees were demanding but not leading. Jesus comes along and says, “Follow me.” This is the standard when the mature lead the immature—when parents lead children: “Follow us.” St. Paul addressed his children in the faith and said, “Follow me as I follow Christ.”

    Another name for this standard is integrity. Your words and your actions match. There is no substitute for it.

    We are often blind to the fact that we have set up a double standard. If we ask the Holy Spirit to show us these areas, He will.

    As our kids grow up, they notice. They see whether or not we are practicing what we preach. If we want our kids to hear what we say, we must say it with our words and our actions. 

    Then they will get it.

Discipline Mistake #2: Our consequences don't fit

    Sometimes in the process of disciplining their children, otherwise sane and sensible parents suddenly lose their grip on reality.

    Sixth grade Kati had a moment of weakness during a math test; she peeked at her neighbor’s paper to see problem number twelve. She had never cheated before, and on her first attempt to cheat, she got caught. Her dad wanted to come to the school, so the three of us met in my office. She admitted her wrong, and sat with her head down. Dad announced that she would not spend the weekend with her friend Megan. A tear ran down her cheek. Obviously he had hit home. Then he went on: “and you are off the softball team, and you are out of the class play, and you probably won’t get to go to camp this summer.”


    Whoa! Dad. I think you made your point and then went too far.

    Here are several factors that we need to consider when we discipline, so that it fits.

A.    Age
       Making a four-year-old sit for thirty minutes in time-out or a twelve-year-old sit for four minutes in time-out are equally inappropriate—one too harsh and one too easy. The rule of thumb is one minute for each year of age. If that doesn't fit, "time-out" probably doesn't fit.

B.    Offense
       The punishment must fit the crime. In Kati’s story above, the dad overdid it. He went beyond correcting a problem to seeing how long he could make his list. Kati’s welfare was lost somewhere in that list.

C.    Personality
       Each child is a different person and consequently requires more or less severity depending on her unique personality. While some children require only a firm tone, others need a two-by-four. The standard can be the same, but the consequences can differ.

D.    Wrong reasons
        The right reason to discipline a child is for his benefit. The wrong reason is for our convenience, because we are embarrassed, because we are angry, or more. In other words our discipline can be focused on what we get out of it, not what the child gets. That's a mistake.

E.    Takes too long to unfold
       Discipline that drags out over a few weeks often lacks punch. It loses its effect because the child adapts, and we parents tire of playing bookkeeper and change the consequences.

    Would you like to add to this list? If you have any examples of discipline that just does not fit, simply make a comment below.

DISCIPLINE MISTAKE #1

   

    Patricia and I looked at one another and asked, “What are we doing wrong?” I know what some of you are thinking: Six kids within ten years was the mistake! But that wasn’t the issue. The issue was that they were bickering. They were obeying very slowly and with some pretty sorry attitudes. They were not putting their things away, they were not pleasant to be around. The list could probably go a little longer.

    This was just not our vision of a happy family, because we were certainly not happy parents at the moment; and our kids (ages 2-12) were keeping one another from being happy.

    So we asked, “What are we doing wrong?” We prayed and took a look at ourselves; and we discovered that we were the problem: we were not backing up our words with actions. We had forgotten that we were in charge; we were allowing them to set the agenda while we reacted.

    It was time to regroup. We put our heads together and reviewed our fundamentals: first time obedience for them and decisive follow through from us. Expectations would be clearly stated (not requested) and consequences would be immediate. Within twenty-four hours, peace and joy had returned to the household. The parents and the kids were happy again. God’s plan for parents to be in charge worked. Amazing!

    Over the years, this scenario happened several times. Each time, we had to regroup and retake our roles as mom and dad.

    Exodus 34:7 winds up a seven-layered description of God as He proclaimed Himself to Moses. It ends with this characteristic: “by no means leaving the guilty unpunished.” It is in God’s nature that the guilty ones get punished.

    When Patricia and I talked, negotiated, cajoled, and threatened—but failed to justly punish—things went downhill. It was out of order, out of sync.

    A big discipline mistake occurs when we simply fail to do it.

(A special thanks to those of you who took our recent survey!)

Boys and Puppies

    Mike Stoops, my next door neighbor, had a beautiful cocker spaniel named Sally. When Sally had a litter of pups, Mike and I could not wait to hold them and play with them. I remember lying on the ground with those puppies jumping all over us, yapping and yipping, licking and nibbling our ears and faces as our giggles bubbled uncontrollably from way down deep in our carefree childhood hearts. There is something almost magical about eight-year-old boys and puppies.

    After school one afternoon, I was looking out of the big window in our den that overlooked our back yard and the acres and acres of Mr. Early’s pastures. My dad called that window a picture window. Many are the times I saw him stand with a cup of coffee in his hand looking out of that window watching a sunset. It was probably his favorite thing about that house.

    As I looked out of the window, I saw the puppies playing in the backyard next door; and the urge to play with them was irresistible. I headed for the back door, telling my mom that I was going outside. “No problem,” she responded. I later wished that she had been right.

    Out of the door my steps assumed laser-beam purpose and I headed straight to Mike’s back yard. He wasn’t home, but he wouldn’t care if I played with the pups. All those pups climbing over me— just me—seemed like heaven. They nibbled at my “tenny shoes” biting the laces and chewing on the hems of my britches, which is what I called my jeans.

    I heard mom call; I had to go.

    As I started home, the puppies followed. I told them to go back. They didn’t. I picked up the pace, but they ran after me, still biting my laces and the jeans around my ankles. By the time I got to the big picture window behind my house, I was panicked. The puppies had to go home. Then I tripped over one. When I hit the ground, they were on me, nibbling and licking; but I wasn’t laughing. What had been fun had now become aggravation. As I was scrambling to my feet, I was yelling at those pups to go home. They still didn’t. I went from aggravated to angry. I commenced to kicking and yelling at them until they finally turned tail and started running home.

    But I wasn’t through. Just to finish the job, I picked up a handful of rocks from our driveway and threw them at the puppies with all my eight-year-old might.

    I don’t know exactly how it happened, but one of those rocks went haywire, and instead of going toward the pups, found its line of flight through Dad’s picture window.

    Unfortunately, our sinful nature doesn’t disappear just because we grow up. Sometimes as adults, sometimes as parents, our responses can go beyond correction to carnage. We may not break windows, but we can break hearts. The stakes are much higher.

    Puppies are going to be puppies. Children are going to be children.

    Father, help us as adults to be adults, to be mature, to reflect Your nature . . . to our pups.

Active Dads, Effective Dads

    Not long ago, I sat in church and noticed a young visiting couple having difficulty with their little one. As I watched, the young mother got up once during the worship, once during the announcements, and once during the message—three times— to take her little troublemaker out. Meanwhile, the dad sat there and did nothing. He was passive.

    It reminded me of Adam in the garden when Eve was being tempted by the serpent. Eve discussed, listened, and ate. Then she gave the fruit to Adam “who was with her.” He had been there the whole time and done nothing. He had been passive. His passivity did not benefit his offspring.

    When I was a young tyke, too young to remember the incident directly, I acted up in church. (My mom has related this story to me out of her compassion.) Apparently, I made enough noise to disturb the people nearby. My dad swept me into his arms and marched out of the auditorium and down the stairs to the basement of the church. There, he “warmed my bottom.” Then he instructed me that it was time to “dry it up,” meaning it was time to stop crying. In the intensity of that one-on-one moment, I calmed myself.

    Then Dad carried me back upstairs and into the auditorium. After about five steps in, I saw Mom and let out a wail. That was a big mistake! Dad immediately whirled around, took me back downstairs, and again warmed my bottom. Knowing my dad as I later came to know my dad, I imagine he said, “Now, I mean, dry it up!” I did my best, sniffling and snuffling, but far from crying and wailing.

    When we re-entered the auditorium this time, I managed to keep my noise limited to those same sniffles and snuffles. There I sat, through the rest of that morning, beside my dad, muffling my snuffling as well as I could.

    Whatever age I was, that was the day I learned to listen in church. That discipline has served me well through the years. Because of him, I listened, I learned, I responded.

    “Shorty” Currie was an involved dad. He didn’t sit back and watch my mother carry the family. He stepped up. Today, we need more dads like Shorty Currie. I am sure that he probably made some minor mistakes along the way, just as we all have. But he got the main things right: Don’t be a passive dad, take responsibility, lead the discipline charge.

    This week, if he were still alive, William Carnelious Currie would be turning ninety-one. My brother, my sister, and I have benefited from his fatherhood. He was an active and effective dad.

DISCIPLINE: # 1 mistake parents make

    George Barna’s research team uncovered the number one mistake that parents make. Do you want to know what it is? Inappropriate discipline. At least,that’s what their kids say when they grow up. They say their parents’ discipline was too lenient, too harsh, too inconsistent, too much, too little, too bad.

    And here’s the kicker: THAT STATISTIC DOESN’T SEEM TO BE IMPROVING. When it comes to discipline, we as parents face a lot of uncertainty. We want to know what works. We want results. We want our kids to love us and to know that we love them. And we want it by this weekend.

    Added to our uncertainty is an ever-growing list of disciplinary techniques, child psychologies, societal warnings, new magazines, Oprah, and the “Daddy Daycare” movie.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND LET IT OUT S-L-O-W-L-Y! 

    There is the Bible. There are the words and thoughts of God. The Bible makes numerous recommendations: instruct, direct, lead, show, rebuke, admonish, spank, encourage, correct. When appropriate. Obviously, spanking is not the only means mentioned in the Bible, so spanking is not always appropriate—but it is sometimes.

    And it is not all that simple. Having the words of the Bible does not mean that we can easily see how to apply its truth. We all need help. We can learn from those who have gone ahead of us. Patricia and I learned a lot from older couples whose children were like what we wanted ours to be like. We encourage you to ask for help, advice, and prayer.

    Following are a few Biblical principles that are clear:

    Build the context for discipline. That context is a loving relationship. LOVING YOUR KIDS WILL COVER A LOT OF MISTAKES.  If you have little or no relationship, if your kids don’t know that you love them, your discipline will be ineffective. By the way, you spell love T-I-M-E.

    IT IS RIGHT THAT PARENTS DISCIPLINE THEIR KIDS. IT IS WRONG IF WE DON'T. We are not their buddies; we are their parents. God expects us to discipline them out of our love for them. To fail to discipline them is to fail to love them. The worst kind of discipline is none at all.

    DAD AND MOM MUST AGREE. Your kids cannot serve two masters. Go to your bedroom and discuss your disagreements until you can come out on the same page, for the sake of your children. Your family will work out the specifics differently than Patricia and I did. That's okay. Your methods will not be exactly like ours. That's okay. We don't have to agree with you, but you will have to agree with each other. This is a powerful key: Dad and Mom must agree.

ONE MORE VERY IMPORTANT THING. YOU WILL HAVE TO PRAY. Accept that fact. Ask God for help, on your knees, together. More than anyone else, He knows how to do this thing we call family. That’s the real secret. For God’s glory and purpose are best passed on at home, in the family. In your family.

DISCIPLINE: Do you spank a teen?

One of our guys was having an illicit love affair. He was thirteen; she was fourteen. They were communicating . . . and working out ways to see each other . . . and kissing.  In order for these things to happen, there was a breakdown in his relationship with us, his parents. Lying to us, deceiving us. Trying to be great, dedicated, watchful, on-top-of-things parents, we were completely clueless. We were believing him, trusting him; and all the time, he was not in the light with us. He was discovered because of a tip from one of our friends, from someone who shared our values and was part of our believing community. You must have those people; none of us are self-sufficient.

When our kids were younger we had learned and tweaked our own process for spanking our kids. Lying and deceiving were spanking offenses because we spanked for disobedience, disrespect, and dangerous behaviors. This definitely fit all of those categories, but he was through puberty, now a young adult who was developing adult interests at an accelerated rate. Did the spanking process apply here?

Yes . . . and no.

Our process looked something like this (with variations):

Separate the guilty party from everyone else.
Probe with questions in order to get the facts.
Admit guilt (that is, he should confess).
Nstruct; instruct using God’s word and our experienced judgment.
Kapow; deliver the spank.
Intercede together; pray with him and for him.
Nfold; enfold him or communicate to him that we loved him.
Go back and make things right, as much as possible.

We had already been through most of this process with him concerning this same relationship, but obviously we had been unsuccessful. We had done everything but the spank/Kapow, because we felt that he was too old for that. As we reviewed our previous attempt, we remembered one of the attributes of God that He revealed to Moses: God does not leave the guilty unpunished (Ex. 34:6-7). We realized that we needed a new Kapow besides the spanking. Was there another way to deliver the Kapow? Was there something that would hurt enough to get his attention.

Before getting with him, we discussed our options and what we could enforce. We decided to shut down his life for two weeks: phone, computer, events, friends. It was like a forced Sabbath. Everything would stop for two weeks. We wanted it to be long enough to hurt but not unreasonably long. (Like a spanking, one or two licks would get his attention; but twenty licks would cause resentment.) We also agreed that his response might lengthen that amount of time. We prayed and then looked for the right opportunity to meet with him.

When we met with him, we knew the facts and we gave him the chance to come clean. He didn’t. We laid it all out, and he saw that we knew the facts. He confessed. We talked about building, losing, and then rebuilding trust. We mapped out the punishment and the path to restoration. We read scripture together, prayed together, and talked about the future. It took several hours. Everything in our lives and in his life was put on hold until we came to resolution. We spoke in quiet but determined voices. God helped us and him. By the end of two weeks, he had done everything we had asked him to do. Our relationship was restored and he began to rebuild our trust, little by little.

Everything had to stop.
     Conversation had to take place with openness.
           The Kapow had to hurt, but not damage.
                 The path to make things right had to be clear.

DISCIPLINE: The Language of Love

     “Talking to Dad is like talking to a brick wall,” I said to Mom fifty years ago.
     This was my conclusion after asking my dad for permission to go to a party with my classmates. He simply said, “No, and I don’t want to hear any more about it.” I wondered how he could be so calloused, so harsh. He wouldn’t even listen to reason, my reason. Fifty years later, I understand my dad much better. His life experience gave him wisdom that I didn’t have; so he said “No.” He also knew that he could be swayed and softened—I didn’t know that at the time—so he just took that option off the table: “I don’t want to hear any more about it.”
     The result of using the word “No” is that he, along with Mom, raised three kids who serve Jesus Christ in their adult years.

     “NO” IS A PROTECTION. After a recent field day event at our school, we were loading children to go home. The change in routine caused a more chaotic feel to the moment, and one boy was about to run into the drive to get to his car. One of the teachers saw him and yelled, quite loudly, “NO!” He stopped in his tracks at the curb. Being able to stop our children with one word is invaluable. It keeps them out of the street, away from the edge of Grand Canyon, away from harm, and away from causing harm. “No” is a protection.

     BOUNDARIES ARE A FORM OF “NO.” A playpen, a fence, a gate, a rule: all of these set limits and as a consequence bring a sense of peace. Although it is the nature of children (and also adults) to want to cross the boundaries, strong borders create an atmosphere of peace. My backyard is a combination of jungle and lawn. It has been difficult to tell when jungle ends and lawn begins until recently. I bought some landscaping timbers and simply defined the limits. Later that week, Will came home, sat on the deck, and commented, “It’s so much more peaceful back here.” Boundaries bring peace.

     “NO” BUILDS CHARACTER. The future holds challenges for our children that will stretch their moral fiber to the maximum. If they follow Jesus, they will need endurance, patience, and courage beyond the norm. Jesus said it this way, “If any man would come after me, he must deny himself. . .” He must say “No” to himself. A man pilfers because he cannot say “No” to himself. A person lies because he can’t deny himself. When a man cannot say “No” to himself, he becomes his own god, and the result is painful: debt, addictions, obesity, anger, depression, divorce, disease, and things like these. “No” prepares our children to face and overcome hardship. As parents, we often feel that saying “No” to our children is cheating them, but that is the opposite of the truth. If we don’t say “No,” we are cheating them out of the most important things. Saying “No” builds their character to face hardship, to sacrifice for their own families, to follow Jesus.

     Eight of the Ten Commandments say “No.” It was the formation of a nation, a beginning that needed clear guidelines. Establishing the negatives in the beginning made room for the positives to come in the promised land. The New Testament says that the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ (Gal. 3:24). “For no matter how many promises God has made, they are ‘Yes’ in Christ.” (1 Cor. 1:20) A clear “No” can open the door to a wonderful “Yes.”
     As Christian parents, we have a responsibility to say “No” to our children when they are very young.  If we say “No” in the beginning, we will find that we can say “Yes” when they reach their teens. So many say “Yes” early and then try to bring “No” into the teen years. That creates the conflict and war that so many associate with having teenagers. There is a better way.

     Surprisingly. . .

“No” is the language of love.

DISCIPLINE: Foolish or childish?

     As we had instructed them, Patrick and Will were not throwing the ball in the house. Literally, they were being obedient. But just barely. As a matter of fact, they were throwing a bear, a stuffed bear. As boys often do, they were tossing the bear back and forth, then hitting the bear back and forth, then getting wilder and wilder until the bear sailed too high and hit the light fixture on the ceiling. Down came the bear and the fixture, glass shattering, bringing mom and dad quickly down the hall.

     Were they being foolish (rebelling against authority) or being childish (acting in ignorance)? We considered this event childish and put in place logical consequences. The boys had to work to pay for the fixture and help dad in the repair (which, at their age then, basically meant “hand dad the tools.”) They also received front row seats in a lecture series given by mom and dad; they have attended numerous times.

    The foolish/childish distinction we learned from Gary Ezzo in Growing Kids God’s Way.  At the time, we needed that concept because we were treating everything like a heart issue. In this case the boys were not being rebellious, just being boys. They still needed consequences, but not punishment.

    Disobedience, disrespect, disregard of authority all fall in the foolish-heart category and need the rod along with a lot of explanation. “The rod and reproof bring wisdom.” Proverbs 29:15

    Ancient wisdom pointed out that we are all born fools, insisting on our own way instead of embracing God’s way. The Bible calls it sin, and it needs to be addressed because it is destructive. If we love our children, we will discipline them when sin raises its ugly head in their cute and valuable little lives. We know that sin left unchecked grows UGLY.

    At the same time, we are all born ignorant; at first we just don’t know. We have to be taught and guided along. Children will make mistakes, break things, lose things, cherish the cheap but despise the prize. That is why children need parents, so that we can instruct them in the ways of God, correct without condemning, help them fix what they break, find what they lose, and learn to value what is really worth something. In this process, we allow them to experience consequences that follow out of their acts of ignorance. When we do this, our children learn wisdom. They learn that the pain of self-discipline is a whole lot better than the pain of consequences caused by neglect and ignorance.

    We encourage you to take time to determine whether your children are being fools or whether they are just being children. If you punish them, they will need to know why. If you give them logical consequences, they will need to know why. Either way will require your input, your explanation, your instruction. Either way will require your time.
   

    Let's not raise fools or ignorance!

    Thanks for reading our thoughts. We’d love to hear yours. Feel free to make a comment.

DISCIPLINE: Fill Your Toolbox

    I had taken a year off from teaching, relocated to Mobile, Alabama, and tried my hand at selling insurance. Throughout that year, the realization grew in my own heart and mind that I needed to be in the classroom teaching. On the Sunday evening before school started, I received a phone call hiring me to teach an inner-city classroom, middle school, 100% Afro-American. I was about to cross three cultural barriers—with a briefcase full of ignorance. I found out on the first day. The next six months were warlike: me against them. They resisted; I punished. I was losing; so were they. Lose/lose situation.  Many times I would drive home in the afternoon, tears running down my face, pouring my heart out to God.

    One particular day, a seventh grader Yvonne was being particularly disrespectful. Seeing red, I walked to her desk, knelt down and stuck my finger in her face, saying, “If you ever do that again, I will . . .” I stopped, not knowing what to say next. I never finished that sentence, got up and walked away. She laughed.

    Then I attended a workshop on discipline that gave me another tool. This question was asked: Why should they obey? What benefit do the students get in your classroom? I changed. I gave them a promise of reward. If any individual obeyed me five days in a row, he would earn one day off. On that day off, he could choose to go to PE or to the library. His choice. The difference in my classroom was miraculous. We began to like each other, most of my students and I. On my next evaluation, my supervisor asked, “What did you do to get your classroom so disciplined?”

    “Disciplined?” Did she say “disciplined?” I began to realize that discipline was more than punishment. Since that time, I have come to see that discipline is more like discipling or training. Punishment is only one tool of the training process. Yes, it is an important tool, but only one tool. A reward can also be a tool.

    A good parent has a toolbox with many tools much like a good carpenter. Can you imagine a carpenter with only a hammer? His partner asks, “How long is that board?” Since he has no tape measure, the hammer-only carpenter lays his hammer down end-over-end eleven times. “Eleven hammers long,” he answers. Imagine that: using a hammer to measure! I would not hire that crazy carpenter to build my house.

    Sometimes as parents, we get in a rut by using only one tool—whether it is the right tool or not. We spank them, or we ground them, or we take things away, or we send them to their room, or we verbally rebuke them. Any of these things can have a rightful place but using only one tool is CRAZY. We have to fill our toolboxes with several different tools to be effective family-builders.

Choosing the right tool for the right situation is an important part of being a wise parent.

INTEGRITY/DISCIPLINE: Wally World

Walk up and down the aisles of Wally World and you will get several lessons in the wrong way to treat your kids.

“Mama, Mama, Mama, I want that. Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, I want that.”

Mama says, “If you don’t hush, you won’t get anything. Now hush.”

“Mama, how about this, Mama? Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, can I have this?”

This type of interchange is repeated until finally mama says, “If I get you that, will you shut up?” Mama’s resolve bites the dust as she falls for “the old broken record trick.” She gives in to the little guy and breaks her own word.

Dads are often in the same boat. The little guy takes off running and laughing, and dad calls after him, “Come back here, Bubba; don’t make me have to spank you.” But little Bubba is long gone, too late for simple reasoning. So, dad goes chasing after him, catching him in a swoosh, and swinging him over his shoulder. Of course, the whole scene is repeated until Dad gets a little sharper in his tone and raises his voice to show that this time he means it. But he really does not mean it. He is embarrassed that he can’t control his two-year old and turns the whole thing into a game to hide his lack of clear authority. As they get older the embarrassment increases because other people are watching.

Note: Never discipline your children because other people are watching.

Discipline them because God is watching.

The centurion told Jesus, “I too am a man under authority. I say to this one ‘Go’ and he goes; and I say to this one ‘Come’ and he comes.” A person must receive authority before he can have authority. That is what the the two Wally World parents lacked—authority. They end up breaking their word because they don’t take charge.

Authority comes from God; it doesn’t start with us. “Because I said so” is not a good enough reason. We do what we do as parents because God says so. We teach right and wrong. We encourage, we train, we correct, we discipline because God says so.

Here are three strategies that can help:

1) Before going in the store explain what you expect. Anticipate the problems and handle them ahead of time. I have seen Patricia do this hundreds of times in many different situations. This idea pays off again and again.

2) Tell your kids that you will give them a chance to choose one item. You narrow the choices to two or three things. They can choose from the things you show them. As they get older, you can give them a price range. This privilege can be lost by bad behavior.

3) If necessary, you can exercise the nuclear option by leaving the basket in the aisle, packing up the kids and taking them home. There you can explain, correct, and discipline without the pressure of other eyes watching.