DISCIPLINE: Do you spank a teen?

One of our guys was having an illicit love affair. He was thirteen; she was fourteen. They were communicating . . . and working out ways to see each other . . . and kissing.  In order for these things to happen, there was a breakdown in his relationship with us, his parents. Lying to us, deceiving us. Trying to be great, dedicated, watchful, on-top-of-things parents, we were completely clueless. We were believing him, trusting him; and all the time, he was not in the light with us. He was discovered because of a tip from one of our friends, from someone who shared our values and was part of our believing community. You must have those people; none of us are self-sufficient.

When our kids were younger we had learned and tweaked our own process for spanking our kids. Lying and deceiving were spanking offenses because we spanked for disobedience, disrespect, and dangerous behaviors. This definitely fit all of those categories, but he was through puberty, now a young adult who was developing adult interests at an accelerated rate. Did the spanking process apply here?

Yes . . . and no.

Our process looked something like this (with variations):

Separate the guilty party from everyone else.
Probe with questions in order to get the facts.
Admit guilt (that is, he should confess).
Nstruct; instruct using God’s word and our experienced judgment.
Kapow; deliver the spank.
Intercede together; pray with him and for him.
Nfold; enfold him or communicate to him that we loved him.
Go back and make things right, as much as possible.

We had already been through most of this process with him concerning this same relationship, but obviously we had been unsuccessful. We had done everything but the spank/Kapow, because we felt that he was too old for that. As we reviewed our previous attempt, we remembered one of the attributes of God that He revealed to Moses: God does not leave the guilty unpunished (Ex. 34:6-7). We realized that we needed a new Kapow besides the spanking. Was there another way to deliver the Kapow? Was there something that would hurt enough to get his attention.

Before getting with him, we discussed our options and what we could enforce. We decided to shut down his life for two weeks: phone, computer, events, friends. It was like a forced Sabbath. Everything would stop for two weeks. We wanted it to be long enough to hurt but not unreasonably long. (Like a spanking, one or two licks would get his attention; but twenty licks would cause resentment.) We also agreed that his response might lengthen that amount of time. We prayed and then looked for the right opportunity to meet with him.

When we met with him, we knew the facts and we gave him the chance to come clean. He didn’t. We laid it all out, and he saw that we knew the facts. He confessed. We talked about building, losing, and then rebuilding trust. We mapped out the punishment and the path to restoration. We read scripture together, prayed together, and talked about the future. It took several hours. Everything in our lives and in his life was put on hold until we came to resolution. We spoke in quiet but determined voices. God helped us and him. By the end of two weeks, he had done everything we had asked him to do. Our relationship was restored and he began to rebuild our trust, little by little.

Everything had to stop.
     Conversation had to take place with openness.
           The Kapow had to hurt, but not damage.
                 The path to make things right had to be clear.

RELATIONSHIP: Our First Wedding

Patrick, our oldest son, married Melody Strom this past Sunday afternoon. I was struck with the richness of the event. Of course, the food was good, the ceremony was heart-tugging, the reception celebratory, full of laughter and dancing hearts. Melody was beautiful, and Patrick was a bucket of tears, as was most of his immediate family. If the Curries have a family trait, it is probably that we blubber all over ourselves in our happiest moments. What a way to show happiness!
Every wedding has its own endearing surprises. For almost everyone, this particular wedding’s memories will include the challenge of finding the way to the Marquardt Ranch. Some said the directions were erroneous, others incomplete, and then others simply had trouble knowing left and right. Yet the wedding itself did not take a wrong turn. The scenic ride to the Marquardt Ranch was filled with crossing streams of running water, discovering fields of Texas Bluebonnets, and even spotting deer and turkey along the way. Split rail fences, stone fences, and fences made of mesquite posts stacked side-by-side.
The ranch itself was a beautiful stone structure atop a shady hill, surrounded by pastures and fields. The bride and groom exchanged their vows overlooking a beautiful flowing stream bordered on the opposite bank by yellow wildflowers. Although the day was overcast and threatened rain, the spirits of the guests were not dampened in the least. A middle eastern tune played by the DJ called forth the Arab Debka dance , Patrick riding on the shoulders of his brother Will and Greg Marconi. Soon Texas seemed to be a middle-eastern melting pot, Greek music playing, Patricia and the Jajeh family leading the Debka according to their Palestinian heritage, and several people joining in because they thought it was a Jewish dance. Such is the beauty of cultures and families coming together in a wedding.
I was struck by how rich we are in friends and people. The Strom family was gracious and worthy of the occasion. Randy and Jody, Melody’s parents, were the reception hosts, generously sharing their joy with everyone. Several of the local San Antonio church community gave of themselves to decorate, bake and clean up at the end. The out of town visitors from both families added so much with their presence and sacrifice. Nebraska, Ohio, Colorado, California, Alabama, Tennessee, and Texas all celebrated together. Farmers, doctors, lawyers, geeks, educators, all entered into unity to savor the moment, to share the joy of the day.
I withdrew for a few moments and walked outside to the edge of the little cliff overlooking the winding Joshua River. I simply gave thanks. For the marriage. For marriage as God’s idea. For family. For community that thrives and rejoices when marriage is honored and upheld as a gift from God to us. For the depth of a God-honoring community that spans miles and states and continents. For the contribution that each new person brings to our lives and to the lives of our children.
Once again the hope of God rose up in me. The next generation will be blessed.In the midst of frustrations, struggles, and pain, there is still joy in the journey. The cause of Christ will continue to spread and grow throughout the earth and throughout time. And our greatest riches are in the people that God has joined with us.
O Lord, I have learned
To compose my soul in quietness
Like a child content in mommy’s lap
I don’t ask you for a thing.
O people, let us learn
That our hope is in the Highest;
From now until forever,
It is He who makes us sing.

RELATIONSHIP (Interacting in family/community)

Richard Mouw tells of a man from New Jersey in the South for the first time. He noticed that several menu items included grits, so he asked the waitress, “Miss, what is a grit?” She replied, “Honey, they don’t come by themselves.”

In a sense, Christians are like grits. We don’t come by ourselves, we come in relationships. Of course, this would be true of people in general, but it is especially true of those who follow Jesus Christ. We are baptized into community, the body of Christ.

A child’s identity comes out of the relationships within his family and community. He doesn’t get it by words alone, but by interactions that involve awareness of others, conflict resolution, conversation, interpretation, ceremonies, community events, and more.

We cannot allow our children to isolate themselves from others because Proverbs 18:1 says,

“He who isolates himself seeks his own desire.”

Inclusion begins in the family. Allowing our children to spend a lot of time alone in their rooms is simply not healthy for the development of their personalities or character.

Unfortunately, in our day it is easy to let media entertain our children. We have interactive media that can hold our children enthralled for hours. But it is just not real. One hour is okay, but six hours is too much. We must not let our children grow up in a virtual world.

I often notice cars driving down the road with mom on the cell phone, kids watching the DVD player in the back seat, and no interaction taking place. Turn travel time into game time, conversation time, catch up time, question and answer time, books on tape time for all (you pick the books), learn a language time. Zig Ziglar calls travel time in the car a “university.”

If you have a trip to take, plan activities for the family that include interaction as well as time alone. Patricia would often help our kids pack their own backpacks for trips that included books to read, a game to share, and a snack. In addition, she brought books-on-tape for all of us to listen to and discuss together.

Our travel to school became fun and purposeful. In the spring we counted dogwoods in bloom. One year we listened to short Spanish lessons from PowerGlide. We guessed who “Mr. Walker” might be as we passed him each morning on our way to school. Once we stopped and gave him a loaf of homemade bread. Was he a surprised exerciser! The next morning he saw us coming and gave us a thumbs-up.

I hope you get the idea.

Community begins in the family.

Be intentional; be together.

COMMUNICATION: Special events

In the C.S. Lewis story The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Father Christmas shows up and gives some unexpected gifts to the four children. With each gift, he explains its purpose and use so that each hero will be prepared for what is coming. Then he concludes by saying,

“These are not toys; they are tools.”

In our day, we are guilty of doing the opposite. We give our children gifts with this hidden message, “These are not tools; they are toys. Have fun!” Consequently, we are not preparing them for what is to come. We put today’s happiness above their future survival, their effectiveness, and their purpose.

We are raising kids who do not know who they are, why they are here, or where they belong. When I was growing up, we called people like that “lost” and spent time and energy trying to get them “found.” The church today has its greatest harvest field of “lost” people right in our own homes.

Over the next few weeks, I want to encourage you to see that special events are opportunities to give our children tools that communicate identity, community, and purpose.

In the future, when your son asks you, "What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the LORD our God has commanded you?" tell him: We were slaves in the land of Egypt and the Lord our God brought us out with a mighty hand. (Deut. 6: 20)
Paraphrased: When your children ask you, “Why do we have these special events each year?” tell them what you know about it and include God in your explanation.

Maybe they will ask “Why do we celebrate birthdays? anniversaries? graduations?"Tell them why these things are significant for you.

One of your greatest responsibilities as a parent
is to interpret life for your children.

Your interpretation of how God has worked in your life can be put together with a special event. Special times are important because they carry emotional weight. This emotional weight marks events and conversations with significance and makes them memorable.

Today, let’s just focus on a birthday as a special event, close and personal to a child. The next time a family member has a birthday, have a time that is just for family. Include a time to eat a special meal, share special memories, give family gifts, and end with a time of prayer for the birthday person. This does not have to be elaborate, nor overly serious, but it does need to be done.

In doing this, you communicate belonging, identity, and purpose.

SPIRIT TRAINING: Connecting to the Community

Bustling around to get every task complete really was a way of life, especially when company was coming! Life with our six children was full of activity—eventful, engaging, and exuberant! But on this particular morning, my “to do” list looked like it was going to win over my “got done” list! I was preparing our home, cleaning and cooking, for we were to have the great delight of having to dinner a missionary couple, Rob and Deborah Knight.

One way that we connected our kids not only to the community but to God’s purpose, is that each one had a missionary that was his own. Praying, saving change, learning about that country, each one had a vested interest in one particular thing God was doing. Whenever possible we would connect with that individual or family to build a friendship, a relationship.

So here I was…about 10:00 in the morning getting ready to wash the floor. Of course I hadn’t showered yet because I was scrubbing and cleaning….no make up, old clothes. Furniture moved out…check…mop and bucket….check. Unexpectedly, the doorbell rang. “Who could that be?” I wondered as I quickly went to the door, not even stopping to drop the mop. There to my amazement was our dinner guest! I began to awkwardly bumble something about the time, and weren’t they supposed to come for dinner, and I wasn’t ready yet for them yet!

Well, this was one of my lessons in Kingdom hospitality. Yes, preparation is important, but people are more important. As missionaries, Rob and Deborah’s time was really not their own, especially in the states when they were touching base with so many supporters. Their time slot for our family was changed, and this is when they could come.

Deborah graciously took the mop from me as she was explaining the situation. What an unexpected day….we cooked and cleaned together, ate an early dinner, and learned a valuable lesson.

Rob and Deborah were Will’s missionaries, but we were all blessed. Dinnertime was rich. We heard first hand about our loving God reaching out to an unknown people. We connected, in a small but vital way, with Jesus’ own mission—to seek and to save the lost and we were intentionally developing relationships between my children and people of faith, people of strength, in the church community.

Gathered tips on connecting our kids to the community:

Marnie McCollum (B’ham, AL) says to take your kids overseas, if the Lord opens doors. . .you’ll never regret it. Marv Behr (Big Sandy, TX) encourages us to “get children involved in ministry with you, i.e., go to a nursing home once a week” or something like that. Ed and Kelly Goodwin started inter-generational relationships for their kids when they were small. Through the years they involved their adult friends in their children’s lives. An example? When their son turned 16, one man picked him up for lunch then relayed the son to another man who had planned a fun activity; after that, a third man took him for a treat. Each man took opportunity to share his heart with the son. That evening, they all celebrated his 16^th birthday together. Quote from Alfred Tennyson: “I am part of all that I have met.”

Question for next week: How do you train your kids for the long haul in their use of money?

Patricia Jajeh Currie © 2008 ParentWisdomNetTM