RELATIONSHIP: Teens, puberty, and clueless parents

     The clueless parents in this story are Keith and Patricia. When Anna and Patrick, our two oldest, were eleven and twelve, we thought we had parenting figured out. By the time they were thirteen and fourteen, we were crying out to God for help. What had worked no longer worked. Two happy, cheerful, contented children had become more moody, more withdrawn, and less communicative. At first, we thought they were the problem and told them so. As time went on, we discovered that we were more of the problem, and we needed new tools and strategies. Fortunately for us, there were answers.
    
     About that time we were introduced to two books by two brothers: Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Tedd Tripp) and The Age of Opportunity (Paul Tripp). We were challenged to do two new things that changed our approach. First, Tedd challenged us to focus on the heart not the behavior. Secondly, Paul helped us see that every problem in a teen’s life is an opportunity for God to reveal himself to them.
    
     Our own educational training in child development backed up what we were reading and learning. What we eventually realized was this: PUBERTY IS HUGE! Puberty is almost like a second womb when God does a new formation of the child and ushers him/her into adulthood. Instead of becoming mature children, our young teens become immature adults.  It is as drastic as the caterpillar that emerges from the cocoon as a butterfly. Their bodies are given adult capabilities, their thinking becomes more abstract, their emotions are set on fire, their awareness of others is intensified, and they perceive of themselves as adults.
    
     When these things happened to Anna and Patrick, we were still treating them like children. Although we recognized the physical changes, we did not realize that we needed to be developing their adult thinking, we did not ratify their emotions, we did not willingly receive their allegiance to their friends, and we did not see them as young adults. That’s why I say we were clueless. (If I am overstating the case, it is only to emphasize the point. Anna and Patrick came through their teen years because other trustworthy adults stepped in and helped them interpret life. We are grateful to the Lord and to those who gave their time to them.)

So what did we change?

“Give rules and require obedience” became “Listen more and interpret life.”

    
     I know that this is probably an oversimplification, but the germ of truth is there. Teens who have passed through puberty need a different approach from us. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” This is how we deal with adults, even immature adults. We listen and draw them out.
   
      With our next four children, we have attempted to do better. We have not succeeded all the time, but we have had a clearer sense of our role as parents. We believe that it has made a difference.

Such has been our experience. We hope that it helps you.

DISCIPLINE: Foolish or childish?

     As we had instructed them, Patrick and Will were not throwing the ball in the house. Literally, they were being obedient. But just barely. As a matter of fact, they were throwing a bear, a stuffed bear. As boys often do, they were tossing the bear back and forth, then hitting the bear back and forth, then getting wilder and wilder until the bear sailed too high and hit the light fixture on the ceiling. Down came the bear and the fixture, glass shattering, bringing mom and dad quickly down the hall.

     Were they being foolish (rebelling against authority) or being childish (acting in ignorance)? We considered this event childish and put in place logical consequences. The boys had to work to pay for the fixture and help dad in the repair (which, at their age then, basically meant “hand dad the tools.”) They also received front row seats in a lecture series given by mom and dad; they have attended numerous times.

    The foolish/childish distinction we learned from Gary Ezzo in Growing Kids God’s Way.  At the time, we needed that concept because we were treating everything like a heart issue. In this case the boys were not being rebellious, just being boys. They still needed consequences, but not punishment.

    Disobedience, disrespect, disregard of authority all fall in the foolish-heart category and need the rod along with a lot of explanation. “The rod and reproof bring wisdom.” Proverbs 29:15

    Ancient wisdom pointed out that we are all born fools, insisting on our own way instead of embracing God’s way. The Bible calls it sin, and it needs to be addressed because it is destructive. If we love our children, we will discipline them when sin raises its ugly head in their cute and valuable little lives. We know that sin left unchecked grows UGLY.

    At the same time, we are all born ignorant; at first we just don’t know. We have to be taught and guided along. Children will make mistakes, break things, lose things, cherish the cheap but despise the prize. That is why children need parents, so that we can instruct them in the ways of God, correct without condemning, help them fix what they break, find what they lose, and learn to value what is really worth something. In this process, we allow them to experience consequences that follow out of their acts of ignorance. When we do this, our children learn wisdom. They learn that the pain of self-discipline is a whole lot better than the pain of consequences caused by neglect and ignorance.

    We encourage you to take time to determine whether your children are being fools or whether they are just being children. If you punish them, they will need to know why. If you give them logical consequences, they will need to know why. Either way will require your input, your explanation, your instruction. Either way will require your time.
   

    Let's not raise fools or ignorance!

    Thanks for reading our thoughts. We’d love to hear yours. Feel free to make a comment.

SPIRIT TRAINING: Getting to the “why”

1 Kings 1:5-6

Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, "I will be king." So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him.

(His father had never interfered with him by asking, "Why do you behave as you do?"

King David had never asked Adonijah “why” he acted like he did. In other words, he had never addressed the issues of Adonijah’s heart.

Last week, I encouraged you as parents to “interfere” or get engaged with your children. That could take many different forms like teaching, explaining, or correcting. This week we want to dig a little deeper.

Children often do the wrong thing and they don’t know why. In their minds, they just did it. They may lie, they may hurt another child either physically or verbally, they may refuse to obey, they may choose any number of what the Bible calls evil deeds. Unless we help them interpret their deeds, they will not understand why they acted as they did.

Here’s why.

Everyone is born with a selfish heart. David says, “I was conceived in sin.” He understood his own inability to do right without God’s help.

The middle letter of sin is “I.” And it is hereditary; we inherited this heart problem from those who have gone before us—as far back as Adam. We think we can be good without God. When we or our kids fail to be good, we have to face our humanity and our moral brokenness. One of two things happens: 1) we sear our consciences until we can do what we want without remorse, or 2) we become heart-broken and ready for change.

Sometimes when we correct our children, they are genuinely sorry for their actions and are beginning to face themselves and their sin. Our children need to hear from us that wrong actions show us that we need Christ; we need Him to give us a new heart. We need a heart that wants to do God’s will instead of our own will. And Jesus died on the cross to give us that kind of heart—one to do God’s will.

By the time Danny was about six years old, we had explained this to him on more than one occasion. Times of correction and punishment had been seasoned with this simple gospel presentation. He had shown interest but without fruit of repentance.

Then one day we were driving home from one of the various events that fill the lives of a growing family, probably a ballgame of one type or another. As we drove along, we were listening to our local Christian radio station, Power 88. A man on the radio began to talk about our need for Jesus Christ. He ended his short talk by encouraging listeners to call 1-800-NEEDHIM. Danny immediately said, “I want to call that man when we get home.”

When we arrived home, we dialed the number; and I listened in as the man on the other end spoke with Danny and led him to Christ. The seed had been sown many times, but the moment of heart-change was in God’s hands.

Use those moments of correction to address the heart; you never know when God will reap the harvest.