RELATIONSHIP TRAINING: Teach in the calm; apply in the crisis

     Problem? Name-calling, hurting words, flashing tempers, getting even, slamming doors, shutting out, feeling pain, causing pain. Always a crisis.

     The best time to train and to teach is not in a CRISIS situation. Unfortunately, that’s when we usually try to do it. But when we’re doing that, we are way behind, and “playing catch-up” is hard.

     As a teacher, I had been taught the absolute necessity of schedule and routine for running a class. I found that it was just as necessary for running our home. Although it was a flexible schedule, I often included time to teach the kids from the Bible. Here’s what I learned:

Teach in the calm; apply in the crisis.

     There is just a certain amount of plodding along that must be part of the process of training children.

Isaiah 28:9-10 
"Who is it he is trying to teach? To whom is he explaining his message? To children . . . ? For it is: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule ; a little here, a little there."

     The adults of Isaiah’s day were insulted at Isaiah’s repetitions, but repetition for kids is necessary and enjoyable. They like doing the same things over and over. Often as adults, we find it difficult. My kids laugh about how Keith would fall asleep while reading a story to them. His eyelids would get heavy, his words unintelligible, and then his chin would drop to his chest. They would poke him awake and say, “Da-ad, finish the story.” He had read some of those stories ten to twenty times.

     But back to the crisis. When the same things kept happening over and over, I planned a time to look for answers from God’s word. We would read together, discuss it, and talk about how to apply it. The next time the “crisis” occurred, we had our discussions to refer to. We took God’s word and applied it.

      Having a designated time in the week where the children and I got together to learn was an important step in their building and learning processes. Usually a couple of times a week I would gather them and we would sit and talk.  Often, our talks revolved around Scripture. It was part of plodding along, not always fun, not always easy, not always exciting, but vital.

Hebrews 4:12 
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates . . . judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

        Often, we learned about relationships—how to get along, how to love each other, how to treat one another, how to respond, how to forgive. We saw relationships with the Lord and with one another as primary. This was a constant need. Relationships are like fragile plants in the garden of our homes. They need care and attention. Left unattended, bitter weeds grow up.

     One of my great encouragers was“Nanny Duke.” She convinced me of the importance of reading scripture with the children. We saw its effect in her grown children. Her influence sharpened my determination to “get the word” into my own kids. Now she is ninety-six and I still enjoy my conversations with her. She never fails to bring God’s words into our talks.

     An additional note: Sometimes it is hard to find the scriptures that you need for the moment. We found that Touchpoints for Students by Ronald Beers is a great little resource for finding the scriptures to fit certain situations. Arranged alphabetically by topics, you can quickly find scriptures that address the various needs of young lives. You can order it from our website: www.parentwisdom.net.  It is a great reference book to just grab off the shelf, look something up, find it in the Bible, and prepare your kids for life.

Teach in the calm; apply in the crisis.

SPIRIT TRAINING: “Here a little, there a little”

When Anna and Patrick were small, three and four, Patricia and I decided that we would say a scripture before each meal. Our goal was to begin to memorize scriptures together as a family. If we had begun with something short like “God is love” we might have had success right away. But not us, oh no, we had to start with the 23^rd Psalm. We said it. They watched. We continued to say it at each meal. We encouraged them to say it with us. They stared at us like two little owlets. But no words came out of their mouths.

After the third week, we became discouraged and wondered if the effort was worth it. Then one day, Anna and Patrick were playing at her little table in her bedroom. Before eating their make-believe meal, they began to quote the 23^rd Psalm, each one supplying what the other did not remember. Patricia overheard them and called me to listen. I arrived just as they were finishing.

At that moment we agreed to keep this up and build this into our family mealtime: say a scripture, then the blessing. It was an easy way to add God’s word into our schedule, an easy way to acknowledge that we belong to Him.

“Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deut. 6:7

A good rule of thumb for interpreting scripture is that we take scriptures that are clear in order to explain those that are not so clear. Deut. 6:7 is a clear scripture on teaching children, on impressing God’s truth on them. Intentionally talk about God’s ways throughout the day. After all, God is with us throughout the day, in our goings and comings. Let’s acknowledge him at all times.

Isaiah 28: 9-10 asks this question, “Are you trying to teach us like we are children. . . here a little, there a little?” This question repeats the theme: Teach children along the way, little by little. Truly, we all learn better in small bites than in large doses. As we learn, it is constantly reinforced and stays with us longer.

This is a life-with-God approach, simply recognizing that He is Emanuel, God with us. Jesus came to save us from our sins and also to give us His Spirit who would dwell in us, leading us and enabling us. A day that includes God might be like this:

Wake them with a song

Read a short scripture at breakfast

Pray the blessing

Listen to a song on the way to school

After school, discuss the day (pray about any difficulties)

Say the memory scripture at supper as a family

Pray over the meal

A bedtime story (or read Proverbs)

Prayer

Maybe a soft song as they go to sleep

These little reminders throughout the day provoke questions and discussions that allow you to sow truth into your little ones. The challenge is to adapt the idea for your family and your children based on their ages and activities.

Pray about it, look at your routines, include the Lord here a little, there a little. He helps all of us raise our children. He is with us in the thick of things if we ask.

He awaits the open door.

INTEGRITY: Mom and Dad must be one

“People who commit to relationships are much happier than those who don’t. That’s why married people are happier than those who just live together. When people commit to something that’s expensive or difficult to get out of, they report feeling happier. My girlfriend and I had been living together for a dozen years, and those findings seemed so clear to me that I went home and proposed. Now we’re married and I do love my wife more than I loved my girlfriend, even though she’s the same person. Commitment isn’t just a sign of love; it’s a cause of love.” (Daniel Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness)

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness. . . So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Gen. 1:26-27)

Male and female in His image: separate but one. God is Father, Son, Spirit: Three Persons yet One God. Man and wife are male and female: two persons yet one flesh. God created man and woman together to reflect him. Why? Look at Malachi 2:15.

15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

God made the man and woman “one” for this purpose: He wants godly children. So guard your relationship with your wife. When we were first married, I was quite insensitive to Patricia’s feelings and thoughts. Without meaning to, I would often hurt her feelings. I wanted to say, “Get over it; it’s not that big a deal.” That just wasn’t true. Unresolved offenses are a big deal.

It would be like having a new puppy that is not yet housebroken. He messes, you clean up right away. Now instead of cleaning up, what if we treated the puppy poop like we do our relationships: “Leave it alone; it will be okay. Just step over it.” Or what if we just took a bowl and covered it up? We would live our lives stepping over or around mess, all the time. Not a good plan!

Yet that is exactly what we often do with relationships. Instead of cleaning up our relational messes immediately, we allow them to linger and hope the problems go away by themselves. They don’t; and after years of this avoidance, many marriages are just one big complicated, stinking mess—almost impossible to clean up. Impossible to step around.

Adding to this, imagine the effect this has on children. And with these young impressionable little people in our home, they learn to repeat our patterns, carrying our baggage into the next generation.

Through the encouragement of others, Patricia and I learned to ask this daily question, “Are we clear?” If either of us had an issue to discuss, we would take the time to clear it up. This meant asking for forgiveness. Saying “I’m sorry,” was not good enough; but “Will you forgive me for ________?” It is not always easy to ask for forgiveness; and sometimes it is difficult to forgive. Simply put, Jesus helped us.

Going the next step, we agreed to present unity to our kids even if we did not feel unified. Often we would “conference” in our bedroom trying to reach the same mind on an issue. We had determined that God’s word would be our final word. We made mistakes in judgment, failed to act as one, yet kept trying. Establishing Biblical patterns of relating to one another changed us, and today we see fruit of it in our children. We have grown in our confidence that God’s truth is for daily life, for real relationships, for real marriages, for real parents.

For us and for you.

SPIRIT TRAINING: Getting God’s Word into your kids

Patricia and I had this outrageous idea to teach our two oldest kids the scriptures by saying them together at each meal. The idea was to build the scripture into our routine, just a part of what we do. At the time, Patrick was almost three and Anna was four. We started with the 23^rd Psalm. . .THE WHOLE THING! We were so disappointed after several weeks of saying it together at each meal, and yet they still looked at us like two owlets, not even an attempt to say it with us. We discussed throwing out the whole idea when the Lord let us in on a little secret.

They were playing together one morning, Anna leading the way with her dolls and Patrick dragging one by the hair. Anyway, they decided to say the blessing before their pretend meal and they started with the 23^rd Psalm. . .THE WHOLE THING! We were stunned. It was the first time that we had heard them say it, but they did it. We knew we were on to something. Ever since we have made that practice of saying a scripture part of our blessing over a meal, one way of weaving scripture into our family’s day.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

In other words, weave God’s truth into your routine; integrate it into all that you do. Little bites are better than big mouthfuls.

My pastor Billy Duke shared with me once about the Bible his mom gave him when he left home. She had written on the front leaf: “This book will keep you from sin; and sin will keep you from this book!”

Psalm 119:11 “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Let’s be committed to helping our children hide God’s word in their hearts.

Gathered tips on teaching the scriptures: Bill and Susan Hightower love sharing after the mealtimes. Bill is very intentional in bringing to the table something of value to challenge his children to follow the Lord. It may not always be scripture; it may be manners or news items or situations that stimulate discussion.

We agree that it is a great time to train; and those short mealtime discussions accumulate over the years to shape the mindset of our children. Keep it short; think of it as planting seeds. If your kids ask questions that make it longer, that’s what you want.

Question for next week: Share with us the “who, what, when, where, and how” you teach your children to pray. We love to hear your ideas and pass them on.