This past weekend we were in San Antonio, Texas, for William’s wedding to Maria Jose Fernandez. Two young lovers, two families, two cultures--too wonderful. As you would expect, everything was beautiful. Maria was stunning, Will was handsome, the parents were proud, the crowd was joyful, the weather was perfect, the Lord was smiling.
According to their custom, we gathered at the Fernandez house the next day after the wedding. This was a family gathering. The bride and groom were present in the gathering along with extended family. Of course, conversations were about the wedding but also about getting acquainted with one another. Tulancingo, Mexico meets French-Canadian, Arab, Californian, Scotch-Irish, Southern Americans.
Maria’s parents Jaime and Laura were gracious hosts, attending to everyone from both families. After many of the guests left, only a few remained and we sat around in a relaxed circle, contented and tired. Maria’s grandfather Adolfo Martinez took the guitar and began to strum and sing several Mexican songs. All sat and listened, some sang along, all enjoyed.
As he began one certain song, Jaime translated for me, explaining that Adolfo had composed this song for the family. It was a song that carried the family story and praised the values that were at the core of who they were. The song ended with words to the next generation about staying the course, working hard, being honest, honoring what is honorable, and finding your place in life and society. The patriarch had infused the moment with meaning and substance. Music, story, and purpose were all wrapped up in one meaningful moment.
It was the kind of moment that earth overlooks while heaven applauds. Quiet, unassuming, yet penetrating and powerful within the family. My hat is off to Adolfo Martinez. He hit the target.
Perhaps you remember a simple way that your family passes on heritage, culture, and values. Please feel free to share a comment; we would all benefit.
Do you have a Memorial Day tradition? Should you? What is it all about?
We are not just launching summer fun; we are celebrating something deep and foundational. We are being asked to have a moment of silence at 3:00 p.m. on Memorial Day to remember those who have given their lives to protect our freedoms.
Silence is not enough. Our children cannot benefit from our silence. When you gather to eat, perhaps your celebration could include these short ideas as part of the blessing of the meal. Here are some thoughts that include the history of Memorial Day as well as the Gettysburg Address (only 276 words). We believe that our gatherings can be enriched by our efforts.
MEMORIAL DAY
The roots of Memorial Day go back to the Civil War. Over 600,000 soldiers died in that conflict affecting every town, village, and family in the United States. After the war ended, almost everyone would travel and decorate the graves of those who had given their lives. “Memorial Day was officially proclaimed on 5 May 1868 by General John Logan, national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic and was first observed on 30 May 1868.” (http://www.usmemorialday.org/backgrnd.html)
To date, including all the wars our country has fought, over 1.2 million Americans have died in defense of the freedoms that we enjoy.
The Gettysburg Address delivered by Abraham Lincoln in 1863 was to commemorate those who died on that particular battlefield. Although it was written a few years before Memorial Day was established, it expresses best what Memorial Day represents.
THE
GETTYSBURG
ADDRESS
Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth
on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and
dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing
whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so
dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-
field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of
that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave
their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether
fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate…we cannot
consecrate…we cannot hallow…this ground. The brave men,
living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it
far above our poor power to add or detract. The world
will little note nor long remember what we say here, but
it can never forget what they did here.
It is for us, the living, rather,
to be dedicated here to the unfinished
work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly
advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the
great task remaining before us…that from these honored
dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which
they gave the last full measure of devotion; that we here
highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain;
that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of
freedom; and that government of the people, by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
The clueless parents in this story are Keith and Patricia. When Anna and Patrick, our two oldest, were eleven and twelve, we thought we had parenting figured out. By the time they were thirteen and fourteen, we were crying out to God for help. What had worked no longer worked. Two happy, cheerful, contented children had become more moody, more withdrawn, and less communicative. At first, we thought they were the problem and told them so. As time went on, we discovered that we were more of the problem, and we needed new tools and strategies. Fortunately for us, there were answers.
About that time we were introduced to two books by two brothers: Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Tedd Tripp) and The Age of Opportunity (Paul Tripp). We were challenged to do two new things that changed our approach. First, Tedd challenged us to focus on the heart not the behavior. Secondly, Paul helped us see that every problem in a teen’s life is an opportunity for God to reveal himself to them.
Our own educational training in child development backed up what we were reading and learning. What we eventually realized was this: PUBERTY IS HUGE! Puberty is almost like a second womb when God does a new formation of the child and ushers him/her into adulthood. Instead of becoming mature children, our young teens become immature adults. It is as drastic as the caterpillar that emerges from the cocoon as a butterfly. Their bodies are given adult capabilities, their thinking becomes more abstract, their emotions are set on fire, their awareness of others is intensified, and they perceive of themselves as adults.
When these things happened to Anna and Patrick, we were still treating them like children. Although we recognized the physical changes, we did not realize that we needed to be developing their adult thinking, we did not ratify their emotions, we did not willingly receive their allegiance to their friends, and we did not see them as young adults. That’s why I say we were clueless. (If I am overstating the case, it is only to emphasize the point. Anna and Patrick came through their teen years because other trustworthy adults stepped in and helped them interpret life. We are grateful to the Lord and to those who gave their time to them.)
So what did we change?
“Give rules and require obedience” became “Listen more and interpret life.”
I know that this is probably an oversimplification, but the germ of truth is there. Teens who have passed through puberty need a different approach from us. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” This is how we deal with adults, even immature adults. We listen and draw them out.
With our next four children, we have attempted to do better. We have not succeeded all the time, but we have had a clearer sense of our role as parents. We believe that it has made a difference.
Such has been our experience. We hope that it helps you.
God gave the children of Israel choices. One choice brought blessing; the other brought trouble. Right choices were a lifestyle that caused the blessing of God to overtake them. God explained to them up front that choices are loaded . . . with consequences.
Deuteronomy 30: 19 This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.
Helping our children see the result of their choices is critical. Train, explain, demonstrate; let them feel the results of their choices. That is how they learn.
For younger children, adding one marble to a jar every time a chore is completed will help your child tangibly see his right choices grow.Rewards for reaching certain levels in the jar will connect the blessing to the choice of responsibility.
Teenagers need a lot of talking through of circumstances before they occur. The Lord gave Deut. 30:19 to the Israelites before they entered the land. Look ahead—for the day, for the week—scan the horizon; are there situations coming up that we need to clarify for our teens before they get there? When you pray, ask the Holy Spirit to show you what to talk about with your teen. The Holy Spirit is our Paracletos (One called alongside to help) for life; He is our Counselor, our Helper.He knows what’s ahead. Call Him alongside. He wants to guide us.
One summer afternoon several of one of our teenager’s friends were all going to a movie, harmless enough, but a mixed crowd.The Holy Spirit just pricked my thoughts, alerted me, to the fact that I needed to talk to our teenager about what could occur in a mixed crowd and what the boundaries are.Through our discussion, we were helping him look at the road and make a pre-choice for doing right.
In George Barna’s research, he found that parents and kids should be having at least 90 minutes of conversation daily. Clearly, the time is proportionate to the age; however, as parents we want to have the mindset of interpreting the outcomes for our children—of life and death, of blessing and cursing—in the coming and going of life.
Stories are a great way to communicate the outcome of choices. When our children were young, I often told them stories of a “pretend friend” named Pickety-Pockety.He was a playful, mischievous little monkey who came all the way from Africa. Somehow he landed in the very port city where we were living!
Pickety-Pockety had wild and incredible adventures in our own backyard, and his very closest playmates were Anna, Patrick, and Billy. The unfortunate thing is that Pickety often made wrong choices.Through Pickety-Pockety’s mishaps, our children were able to vicariously live out each wrong choice all the way to its fateful fruition.
For example, one incident found Pickety disobeying and leaving the yard where he was supposed to be playing. Through a series of events, he ended up running in the street where he was hit by a car.Of course we had to take him to the hospital; all the while, not even sure that he would live. He ended up being strung up in traction and had a very serious broken leg. Through this episode, an obedience lesson was clearly demonstrated in a way that they could relate to and even enjoy.
Biographies are another excellent tool for teaching our children of all ages about life choices. Consider some of the great men and women of history, or a missionary family, or maybe even stories from your own ancestry.Reading books out loud, as a family, provides not only the opportunity to stop and discuss, but it also affirms our relationships as we participate in this activity together.
Enjoy the summer with your children. Help them learn about the goodness of God who helps us know the consequences of our choices . . . ahead of time!
Often when Keith and I are teaching parenting seminars, we have a Q and A time in between sessions or at the end. Very frequently, a question like this comes up:
“Our daughter needed correction, so I sent her to her room. My husband brought her back out of her room saying that ‘sending her to her room was not a good punishment.’ What do you think? Is that a good way to discipline?”
This question is like the quilting on a down comforter; it’s right on top, so it’s what we see. But there are many layers underneath it.Fabric, batting, and the down itself give substance to the comforter; even so, instruction, limits, procedures, and restoration are some of the layers in our relationship with our children.
This week, we will answer the question. Over the next couple of weeks we will try to clarify the layers that lie hidden underneath.
Primarily, one of the main jobs of parents is that we interpret life for our children.We help them figure out what life means, how to respond to it, what the next step is. Sending one’s child away means that he has to figure things out for himself; but he is too immature to do that. He needs input. The child is hurting. He has done wrong. He has damaged his relationship with his parents. He feels guilt. He feels your displeasure. He is vulnerable. This is the wrong time for a child to be alone. He needs you.
In isolation, the battleground of his mind becomes a playground for our enemy Satan. A child in his immaturity has no defense against Satan’s lies. Instead of this being a productive time, it becomes a destructive time.
In the book of Proverbs, the Lord says, “A child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Understanding what goes on in the isolation, we see what the outcome is: it does not produce good fruit. He’s not repentant, sweet.
If you are there with him, to work through the issues, to interpret, it can be a productive time. Forgiveness can be asked for and given. Punishment can be explained.
Our experience has been to keep the child with us, walk him through the process (even if it is painful), and let there be clear restoration in the relationship.This provides a measure of security for the child. There is a clear beginning and ending, and the child has the opportunity to demonstrate a right attitude by walking it out correctly; and with that comes your pleasure.
Hebrews says that discipline yields the “peaceable fruit of righteousness.” That is our measuring stick for our discipline; and our children can’t get there by themselves.
Next week we will look at another layer. Email us if you have a question; we would love to hear from you. Know that ”the Father Himself loves you.”You are doing the most important work!
Have you ever said, “Because I said so, that’s why!”?
If you have, stop saying it.
Who do you think you are?
Pat Williams tells the story of the Alpha male in the airport who simply loses it when his flight is delayed. He throws an “adult” tantrum, berates the airline, raises his voice, and finally screams at the attendant behind the boarding counter, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” The attendant calmly reaches for the microphone and makes this announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a man here who does not know who he is. Would someone please come and identify him?”
My point is this: Too often we punish because we have been inconvenienced or our wishes have been infringed upon. We are upset because we have made ourselves “god” and our little universe is not obeying our commands.
Let’s identify who we are. We are made in God’s image; we represent the Father to our children (who are also made in his image).
Our goal as his imperfect representatives is to lead our children to the One who is perfect, who is always faithful, who always keeps his word, who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. “Because I said so” is just not good enough. Our “say so’s” are too small.
Let’s try saying: “It’s not right.” “That doesn’t reflect who we really are.” “Our family doesn’t do those things.” “That doesn’t please the Father.” You don’t have to be preachy about it, but we do have to keep in mind that the buck stops with Jesus, not us. This is the big picture: My kids belong to God, not to me.
How will this look in real life?
Correct quickly. Punishment is mid-course correction for God’s purposes, not mine. We all need it. Children especially need it and they need it sooner rather than later. (Ecclesiastes 8:11When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, the hearts of the people are filled with schemes to do wrong.) Correct quickly.
You are the main interpreter of life for your child.
Don’t separate your child from yourself; he needs your interpretation of what he did wrong. If you use “Time out,” do it nearby, not in his room. Proverbs 29:15 says, “A child left to himself is a shame to his mother.”Punish, then explain. Your action gets his attention so that he will hear your words. Your goal (Heb. 12:11) is the peaceful fruit of righteousness. When you explain, you train.
Time out rule of thumb: One minute per year of age. Four years old=four minutes of time out.
