RELATIONSHIP: "Eat your food, son..."

     This blog is not ours, not directly. It is Jean-Luc's. He wrote this not long ago, and I asked him if I could reprint it on our blog. So, from Jean-Luc's perspective, come sit with us at dinner.

     Our dinner table was always a center of laughter, of joy, of stories and songs, of the day's events, of schedules and commitments, and of discipline and correction. I view our table with deep fondness...it has fostered so much that I see as necessary to my growth. It also fostered memories which I cherish and will re-live when my childhood is far behind me.

     Our table was a place where we entertained guests, foreigners, the homeless, the helpless, relatives, outcasts, and friends. It was where Dad taught us to sing, and dutifully bore our painful, childish screaming attempt in the process. Our table heard conversations about God, life, government, sports, money, marriage, children, wine, food, church, the military, family, and about love.

     The round shape of our dinner table has puzzled me. When I was younger, I viewed it as an oddity (after all, none of my friends had round tables). As I grow older, it signifies the respect and equality which my parents show us when we come together as a family. No person's opinion is omitted or overlooked; everyone is responsible to contribute. The things for which the table stands are an integral part of my being. I was shaped and molded, I grew and developed, I laughed and loved (and even lied occasionally) at our round table. That table represents values, memories, and lessons which I cannot divorce from my childhood. The importance is inestimable; the lessons, invaluable; the memories, irreplaceable.

     It was at the table that I was taught to serve. Meal times were a priority in our house. We sat, ate, and prayed together. Because of the large fanfare it took to feed six children and two parents, meals were a daily, family activity. Through setting the table, wiping the table, bringing food, sweeping, etc...I learned humility. I had to humble myself, submitting myself to the will of my parents and siblings, and serve them. I learned that service requires humility.

     It was at the table that I was taught to love. Meals were not always a smooth affair. Occasionally, conversation became heated (or I would kick my little brother under the table). Drinks might be spilled, or food catapulted across the room. Through the chaos, we conversed with one another, and shared life together. I learned (and am still learning) to care about what others were saying, and about what they thought. My parents practiced endless patience and love in dealing with me and my siblings.

     It was at the table where I learned to listen. Listening, for me, was, is, and will be one of my most difficult challenges. As a young lad, I came home bursting with stories of the day's adventures, happenings, and mishaps. Meal times were an opportunity for me to narrate the day's fantastic events to an audience of seven interested listeners! Or not.
      Dad was constantly correcting me, "Son, it's not about you. How many people are at this table?"
      "Eight." I responded.
      "Therefore, you should talk one-eighth of the time, and listen the other seven-eighths."
      When I did talk too much (which was often), he would calmly redirect my exuberant energy..."Eat your food, son."

     Meal times, whether it was breakfast, lunch, or dinner, forced us to listen to one another. It forced me to focus on someone else's day, priorities, agenda, or story. It forced me to hear what was going on in their lives, thereby forcing me to be a part of it. And this coercion was in no way demeaning nor detrimental to my development. On the contrary, it made me value people where I otherwise would have focused on myself. "All the world's a stage," but I am not the main actor.

     We loved one another; therefore, we listened to one another. Through listening we learned about each other. As we learned, we discovered what each person needed, and we met those needs. By meeting each family member's needs, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, we were serving. By serving each other, we loved each other. Because we loved one another we valued the other person, and their thoughts and ideas. Because we valued them, we listened to them. As we listened, we discovered their needs, and met those needs. We served. We loved. We listened. And the cycle continues. Serving, loving, and listening are all interconnected. As you follow the cycle, relationships are taken deeper – to new levels. More listening creates more service which shows more love, and so on. And the relationship continues to deepen and germinate, and soon there is rich connection.

RELATIONSHIPS: Boys and girls, birds and bees

We recently received this question from one of our readers. It’s a good question and we pass it on to you. Feel free to weigh in with your own comments.

I'm seeing that my husband and I need to formulate a position on preteen/teen physical interaction, specifically kissing, hand-holding etc. Instances are creeping up when my kids are being exposed to examples of this; and I find myself being silent because I have no clear plan. I've noticed that parenting goes better when I can set clear boundaries before troubles begin brewing, instead of doing damage control later.

What is your position on this issue? How is it enforced?

Here are some thoughts:

As our children were growing up, we would read from Proverbs each night, matching the date with the Proverbs chapter. We didn't read the whole chapter, but we read a portion. For example, I would read through one month selecting verses 1-10. The next month, I would go for 11-20. [We found that too much Scripture becomes tedious and causes children to feel negative towards Bible reading. Our principle has been to give little doses throughout the day.] Anyway, in the course of reading, we passed through Proverbs 5, 6, and 7. My initial reaction was similar to yours. I wanted to skip those chapters. I felt that my sons were too young to deal with those issues.

Over the course of my interactions with my children, various school situations, and life, the Lord helped me to see that I could not shield our boys from natural processes and dynamics. What I needed to do was to help them prepare. Preparation comes from the investment of the truth, lots of talking and listening, and a definite position of openness [stated often].

I remember standing in the school breezeway with Patrick as school was dismissing. He was about seven years old. Kids were running around everywhere, being kids. I was talking about a situation with another mom that had occurred that day in school--not an immoral situation--just the boy-girl thing beginning at such an early age! In that moment, the Lord spoke to me about using those very Proverbs as a springboard for discussions. I understood that I couldn't shield my children from this natural part of life [not that we encouraged it!], but they needed a foundation for discerning what was right, what was wrong, what was appropriate, what was inappropriate, and what are the consequences.

Keith added this:

Timing: Eccleciastes 3 says that there is a time for everything. Teaching our children to wait for the right time involves all of life. In our day, most people teach their kids that they can have things when they want it; they don’t have to wait. Wait for dinner, wait to open gifts, wait to drive, wait to hold hands, wait to have sex until you are married. All of these “waitings” are connected. They strengthen each other. Waiting intensifies the joy when the right time comes.

Setting: God established boundaries for boy-girl relationships; the clearest boundary is “sex within marriage.” Stay in groups and do not be alone as a couple; the temptations are greatly lessened. Until you begin to get ready for marriage, the boy-girl things are best just kept as friends and not boyfriend/girlfriend. These boundaries also include areas on the body not to be touched.

Purpose: Kids need to understand as early as possible that the purpose of marriage and romantic love is to have children and a family. There is too much childhood to enjoy, too much fun to have when they are young. Encourage them that God has a good plan for them when the time comes for marriage. Protect their childhood.

We hope that this is helpful. Feel free to comment or to ask more questions.