COMMUNICATION: We all need a word-wash

Ernie (not the muppet) was my friend in my first year of college. He was a solid, good guy—the kind of person you want as a friend. He was one of those people who had no guile about him but spoke his mind in trust and openness, often making himself vulnerable for a good-natured jab or maybe a humorous quip by those who were near. Unfortunately, I played that role with Ernie. In what I thought was “just joking,” I often turned his words into a laugh for others who were present. One day, Ernie had enough. He told me—in the middle of our little group—that he was sick and tired of my constant ridicule of him, that he was deeply hurt, and that our friendship was ended. Then he walked away. . .and out of my life.

Proverbs18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

It seems that most people have trouble with words. There are a few exceptions, but for most of us, words trip us up. For each of us this happens in different ways. Sometimes we just don’t talk; we’re the “strong silent type,” or at least the silent type. Sometimes we use our deep, naturally loud voices to exert our authority and indicate that we are in control. Sometimes we save our words until we are angry enough and then spew them on those around us. Sometimes we whine and wheedle to get something we want. Too often we use words as weapons on the ones closest to us.

And then, sometimes we get it right and our words bring health and healing and life.

The Bible has a lot to say about words and the mouth and the power of the tongue. When I use the Bible like a mirror and evaluate my words, I simply fall short.
The following verses from Ephesians 5:25-27 challenge me as a husband and father:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church. . .

My words can wash my wife, and family as well, making them radiant! Am I using my words with that in mind? That very possibility intrigues and challenges me. Can I use my words to wash and cleanse and shine and polish the people I love? If that is true, then I have some work to do. And I have a feeling that maybe you do, too.
Let’s agree with the Lord that we will use our words to wash and cleanse, to build, to plant, to encourage, to communicate value, to praise honest effort.
After all, the people in our lives are created for a glorious eternity. C.S. Lewis says, “There are no ordinary people. . .But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” All day long we are helping one another become one of these two things—a horror or a splendor.
Our greatest tools are our words. They can be knives or they can be soothing balm. They contain the power of life or death, health or hurt, joy or pain.

Create radiance in others. Speak life.

DISCIPLINE: Be there to interpret

Often when Keith and I are teaching parenting seminars, we have a Q and A time in between sessions or at the end. Very frequently, a question like this comes up:

“Our daughter needed correction, so I sent her to her room. My husband brought her back out of her room saying that ‘sending her to her room was not a good punishment.’ What do you think? Is that a good way to discipline?”

This question is like the quilting on a down comforter; it’s right on top, so it’s what we see. But there are many layers underneath it. Fabric, batting, and the down itself give substance to the comforter; even so, instruction, limits, procedures, and restoration are some of the layers in our relationship with our children.

This week, we will answer the question. Over the next couple of weeks we will try to clarify the layers that lie hidden underneath.

Primarily, one of the main jobs of parents is that we interpret life for our children. We help them figure out what life means, how to respond to it, what the next step is. Sending one’s child away means that he has to figure things out for himself; but he is too immature to do that. He needs input. The child is hurting. He has done wrong. He has damaged his relationship with his parents. He feels guilt. He feels your displeasure. He is vulnerable. This is the wrong time for a child to be alone. He needs you.

In isolation, the battleground of his mind becomes a playground for our enemy Satan. A child in his immaturity has no defense against Satan’s lies. Instead of this being a productive time, it becomes a destructive time.

In the book of Proverbs, the Lord says, “A child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Understanding what goes on in the isolation, we see what the outcome is: it does not produce good fruit. He’s not repentant, sweet.

If you are there with him, to work through the issues, to interpret, it can be a productive time. Forgiveness can be asked for and given. Punishment can be explained.

Our experience has been to keep the child with us, walk him through the process (even if it is painful), and let there be clear restoration in the relationship. This provides a measure of security for the child. There is a clear beginning and ending, and the child has the opportunity to demonstrate a right attitude by walking it out correctly; and with that comes your pleasure.

Hebrews says that discipline yields the “peaceable fruit of righteousness.” That is our measuring stick for our discipline; and our children can’t get there by themselves.

Next week we will look at another layer. Email us if you have a question; we would love to hear from you. Know that ”the Father Himself loves you.” You are doing the most important work!

COMMUNICATION: Special Events (Holidays)

Our society has commercialized and consequently trivialized our holidays. Thanksgiving has become “turkey day” and “Merry Christmas” has become “Happy Holidays.”

How do we overcome this in our own homes?

We begin by asking, “What is the purpose of holidays?” A holi-day is a holy day. Holy means “set apart;” that simply means that it is a “set apart” day, especially set apart for God.

In our country, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter are true “holy days.” Other holidays like the Fourth of July can also fit the description when we observe the history of the founders of our country.

We moan and groan because our society seems to be moving quickly away from the real meaning of these holidays and remaking them in its own image. More disturbing: Christian families are not taking the time to explore these holidays and chart a different course. To chart a different course is not difficult, but it will take a little preparation. Visit the library and check out a children’s book on a particular holiday. Get on line and visit some family websites. I know that the Lord will help you discover resources that will help your family.

Our Old Testament reasons for holidays are briefly outlined in Deut. 16: 1-3. Contained in this passage about Passover are three reasons to observe the holiday. They are

1) to remember,

2) to honor the Lord,

and 3) to rejoice.

The Biblical mandate gives us this reason to have feast days and holidays. First of all, let us remember the real purpose behind each holiday. Secondly, let’s give God the honor that he is due in our lives and history. Thirdly, rejoice in the blessings of God. In other words, have a good time. It is like God is the host of the party, moving among the guests, saying, “Enjoy, enjoy! Eat up. Refresh!”

Three reasons for the holiday from the passover feast: rejoice, honor the Lord, and remember your history.

Are we going to tell our children that it really isn’t “turkey day” but it is Thanksgiving Day. Are we going to tell them that this day in the history of America is a day set aside to give thanks to Jesus Christ? If we don’t tell them, who will?

This year, let’s make the holidays count. Let’s remember, let’s honor the Lord, and let’s rejoice!

COMMUNICATION: Special events

In the C.S. Lewis story The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Father Christmas shows up and gives some unexpected gifts to the four children. With each gift, he explains its purpose and use so that each hero will be prepared for what is coming. Then he concludes by saying,

“These are not toys; they are tools.”

In our day, we are guilty of doing the opposite. We give our children gifts with this hidden message, “These are not tools; they are toys. Have fun!” Consequently, we are not preparing them for what is to come. We put today’s happiness above their future survival, their effectiveness, and their purpose.

We are raising kids who do not know who they are, why they are here, or where they belong. When I was growing up, we called people like that “lost” and spent time and energy trying to get them “found.” The church today has its greatest harvest field of “lost” people right in our own homes.

Over the next few weeks, I want to encourage you to see that special events are opportunities to give our children tools that communicate identity, community, and purpose.

In the future, when your son asks you, "What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the LORD our God has commanded you?" tell him: We were slaves in the land of Egypt and the Lord our God brought us out with a mighty hand. (Deut. 6: 20)
Paraphrased: When your children ask you, “Why do we have these special events each year?” tell them what you know about it and include God in your explanation.

Maybe they will ask “Why do we celebrate birthdays? anniversaries? graduations?"Tell them why these things are significant for you.

One of your greatest responsibilities as a parent
is to interpret life for your children.

Your interpretation of how God has worked in your life can be put together with a special event. Special times are important because they carry emotional weight. This emotional weight marks events and conversations with significance and makes them memorable.

Today, let’s just focus on a birthday as a special event, close and personal to a child. The next time a family member has a birthday, have a time that is just for family. Include a time to eat a special meal, share special memories, give family gifts, and end with a time of prayer for the birthday person. This does not have to be elaborate, nor overly serious, but it does need to be done.

In doing this, you communicate belonging, identity, and purpose.

COMMUNICATION: ONE-TO-ONE

Patricia is teaching our kids to drink!

She has discovered this secret: the more they drink, the more their tongues are loosed, the more they share what is in their hearts. So she sets about to drink with them.

With the girls, she has often planned little tea parties, just Mom and daughter. A special flavored tea, a special little treat, a special teapot, special cups, a special time. She has done this since they were very small and it has created special moments for one-to-one time with each girl. (Sometimes it is a threesome.)

With the boys, she often drinks warm milk and honey or fixes them a special shake. The point is that she takes the time to create a special moment and she communicates acceptance, value, and love.

In her mind, she plans to have these special times on their birth date in each month. Anna was born on the 3^rd; so each month on the 3^rd, Patricia tries to connect with Anna.

Put priorities on your calendar!

Day to day events can also turn into one-to-one opportunities. If I have to make a trip to Home Depot or run an errand downtown, I intentionally ask one of the kids to go along. We “encourage” them to go if they do not have something definite planned; we operate under the belief that our will does trump their will. We tell our children that family is important. We speak about being open in relationships, open to stop what they are doing for the higher goal of spending time with one another.

So we teach them to say, “Yes, I’ll go.”

These trips together can often have "a little planned surprise,” or something unexpected may occur that becomes a shared memory. Dan and I witnessed a car accident; Will and I were in an accident together. You don’t plan those things, but they do build relationship! Just because we were together.

So, one on one time doesn’t have to be planned and complicated, it can be spontaneous and simple.

If you are together enough, you will grow together.

COMMUNICATION TAKES TIME

Danny was about three. Patricia, being the loving mother that she is, spoke her love for him in a tender moment, “Danny, there is nobody like you.”

Danny burst into tears!
“Nobody likes me?” he cried out, completely crushed.

Patricia was appalled. It took her several minutes to clear up the misunderstanding between what she said and what a three-year-old heard.

This is why communication takes time. It involves more than what is said; it involves what is heard. It takes some feedback, conversation, listening, questioning, follow-up; and without them no one knows if communication has occurred.

First, relax. You have twenty years to communicate what is important. Secondly, be on guard, because “the power of life and death are in the tongue.”

Your child knows you better than you know your child. She studies you, watches you, listens, imitates, and comes to understand you far more quickly than you come to know and understand them. That’s why your own children can push all your buttons at the same time and get you so worked up.

We must get to know our children.

Chuck Swindoll, in his book You and Your Child, encourages parents to get to know your children. He interprets the scripture “train up a child in the way he should go” as “train him up in the way he is bent;” in other words, discover how God has made him and encourage him in that direction.

Patti Cumbest strives to know her children. This year Rachel, her older daughter, had to complete a personal inventory on group interactions. As Patti observed Rachel writing in answers, Patti realized that she knew all the answers before Rachel wrote anything down! Patti said, “All my time and effort to intentionally know my children has been worth it. I know Rachel. I am more than a chauffeur, a cook, a fashion consultant…I know who she is, and what she is about.”

Discover motivators:
1) what each child’s love language is
2) what preferences does my child have
3) tie these two things together as often as possible to communicate love

Instead of standing over our children, learn to come alongside and benefit them. This is what the Holy Spirit does for us; He comes alongside. Jesus called him the Parakletos (Greek for “one called alongside).

Barna’s research shows that 90 minutes a day should be spent in conversing, talking, sharing, listening with your children. 90 minutes coming alongside. Ten minutes here, fifteen minutes there begin to add up. Make it your rule of thumb.

90 minutes a day!

COMMUNICATION: FOUR QUESTIONS FOR YOUR TOOLBOX

Larry King once said, “The person who asks the questions controls the conversation.” I was over forty years old before I learned this very important secret. Conversation does not come easily to me; it never has. But when I heard this secret, I began to listen better so that I could ask a connecting question.

Once I went on a one day journey for the church, and it required spending the day with someone I was not comfortable being with. I prayed for help and for the right questions. I asked two questions that took the whole day for my friend to answer. At the end of the day we found that we enjoyed one another’s company.

Ask questions; then ask the right questions, the probing questions.

My next challenge was to bring this home to my own relationship with my kids. Paul David Tripp (The Age of Opportunity ) helped me do this by teaching four or five key questions to ask our kids. These questions help us to evaluate a situation and to train our kids to think through things with a godly mindset.

Here is my revised list of four questions with brief comments:

1) What happened?

Getting the facts is a key. It may require listening to more than one person; it may be that you can only get one side. Nevertheless, as much as possible, try to get your child to explain what happened. That is safe territory for him and usually this question gets him going.

2) How did you feel?

Younger children might need your help to identify how they felt, but this step is important. When you seek to understand a person, acknowledging their emotions validates them as a person. I didn’t get this for a long time. I remember telling my kids, “It doesn’t matter how you feel; just do the right thing.” But I was wrong; it did matter how they felt because they were people and not machines.

3) What did you do?

“Nothin’.” “I said a bad word.” “I hit him in the mouth.” “I told all of my friends not to talk to her anymore.” Whatever the response was, we must give our kids an opportunity to express it. Saying it may help them see whether or not they responded rightly. Saying it can serve as a confession. Admitting their response opens a door for the Holy Spirit to begin to work in our child’s heart.

4) How does God see it?

This is a training question. Taking the opportunity to discuss together a godly response to a tough situation is a parent’s duty—“bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” When you have listened to your child, he is much more likely to be receptive to you, opening the way for you to introduce him to a Biblical truth.

After these four questions, there may be a need for follow-up with some other tools from your parenting toolbox.

I urge you to try out these questions this week. Look for a time when your child is upset, or when they need advice. Listen first, using these four questions:

What happened?

How did you feel?

What did you do?

How does God see it?