Discipline mistake #3: Mom and Dad don’t agree

    Jim and Sally are a great couple. They love God, love God’s people, and serve unselfishly. We have known them for over thirty years, they have been married over forty. They had three kids, now all grown and married. They were agreed on their church and their place in it, but not agreed on how to raise kids.

    As a matter of fact, they were a walking, talking manual of how not to raise kids in unity. Often there was a conflict about when, how, or whether or not to discipline. Sally was doing her best to submit, but not very joyfully, and not very privately. Jim was always ridiculing Sally’s suggestions and using sarcasm to get a laugh or a snicker from his boys.

    The seeds of contempt were sown and the later teen years became quite heart-breaking for Jim and Sally.
   
    When Jim was around, he carried the day; but when he was at work and Sally had the kids, she did things her way. By not backing Jim up, Sally was undermining her own authority with her kids. By not honoring Sally in front of the kids, Jim was sowing seeds of dishonor that would later grow a bitter harvest.

    Today, Jim and Sally are still plugging along together. Their kids are grown and raising their own families, Jim and Sally’s grandkids. Struggles are apparent. They are not part of a church, their kids are not obedient, more heartache seems certain.

    For Mom and Dad to be on the same page is hard work. It takes a commitment from both. Each parent has a big contribution to make toward unity. Each will have to sacrifice to make it happen. It will be worth it.

    The Father wants us to be one because he is seeking children who will display His nature.

    Malachi 2:15  “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit . . .”

    Matthew 6:24  "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” Although Jesus said this about God and money, its truth certainly applies in our homes. Our kids can’t have two masters.

INTEGRITY: We have to talk

Patricia stuck her head around the corner from the kitchen and said, “We have to talk.”

I was right in the middle of “helping” Danny with math homework. For some reason or another, Danny had a mental block with math. I was simply explaining to him that he had to concentrate, to apply himself, to put forth more effort. It was about 8:30 at night and he was tired. I was becoming more and more exasperated that he could not get it. That’s when Patricia stepped in and said, “We have to talk.”

For us, that meant that we had to go to our bedroom and discuss the current situation. As we entered the bedroom and closed the door, she said, “You’re not helping.”

I immediately became defensive. “He is not trying,” I said. “He is resisting, he is just being stubborn.” And so it went until we came to an understanding in the privacy of our own room. Then I went back to help Dan, who by now had fallen asleep on his notebook. I sent him to bed, and we both got up early the next morning to finish the work.

Patricia and I had agreed that we would not discuss the kids in front of them. Too often as teachers, we had witnessed conversations where parents criticized either the teacher or the spouse or the student. The children heard it all. They came to disrespect the other adults involved or to adopt a wrong opinion of themselves . . . or both.

We had agreed not to argue in front of the kids. Somehow in the course of time, we had struck upon this phrase, “We have to talk.” It always meant that we were going to our own room to discuss the matter away from the hearing of the kids.

Because Patricia and I grew up in very different family cultures, we often disagreed regarding issues from discipline to homework. Mature friends had warned us not to discuss “emotionally charged issues” in front of the kids. So the bedroom became our place of discussion.

Did our kids know that we argued? Probably. Did they know what we said? No. What they did know is that we stood together.

It is extremely important that you present a united front with your children. Early in our parenting days, we were counseled to take our arguments to a private place. We watched others who did not do that and realized that the counsel was good. Several benefits were evident to us:

1) We would set an example of unity in the home.

2) We would spare the children from awkward and unnecessary pain.

3) We represent God to our children, and we know that the Trinity does not argue.

4) Each of us needs the tempering of the other because we are not always righteous.

Even an infant can still catch the spirit in a conversation or the tone of voice. It does affect him. Begin early to develop the habit of working things out privately.

The “we have to talk” talk did me good. We came out with a new strategy for Dan and math. We moved his study time to earlier in the day when his mind was fresh and when my patience was still in existence.

Another short anecdote along this line. Amy, one of my former students, was extremely exasperated with her parents. When she talked to one she got the same answer as when she talked with the other. In utter frustration, she complained to her mother, “Talking to you is like talking to Dad, and talking to Dad is like talking to you. You might as well be one person.” Although she did not mean it as a compliment, her parents were pleased at her comment. A few weeks ago, we were privileged to attend her wedding. I have a hunch that her goal will be oneness with her husband.

TALK THINGS OUT. . .

IN PRIVATE!

MOM AND DAD: ONE VOICE

Father thinks it; the Son says it; the Spirit brings it to pass. Oneness, unity in the Godhead. We can be confident that God is not going to change the rules on us. He will not contradict himself. He is not impulsive. Jesus showed us exactly what the Father is like; he is the exact representation of the Father’s nature. “I and the Father are one.”

A man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Malachi 2 asks this question: “Why one?” The answer: “To raise up godly offspring.” The oneness of mom and dad are a reflection of the Oneness in Father, Son, and Spirit. It is derived from heaven. The more “one” we are, the more our home will be “heavenly.”

Whatever you call it, this having one voice, being on the same page, sharing the same values and goals and actions. . .This is the most powerful weapon in the parents’ arsenal against Satan’s attempts to hijack our kids. We must not only believe the same things; we must do the same things in regards to our children. And we must back each other up.

Will we always agree? Of course not. But effective parents stand together. When mom and dad are not on the same page with each other, the confusion is multiplied in their child/children. When mom and dad speak with one voice, the message is clear, and it gets through.

Question of the week: How do you and your spouse maintain your oneness or unity? If you have a secret that works for you or helps you, please pass it on. Many husbands and wives are interested in your answer. Many children will benefit from what you share.

Last week’s question: How do you make your quiet time meaningful? What materials have your used that have helped? What method do your use? What plan? Pass your ideas on to others.

Before reading, ask the Lord to speak to you. Read until a thought or phrase stands out to you or seems to fit your life situations. Stop, write it down, and take some time to meditate on that scripture or phrase. Get ready for life changes.

Have a plan. Gene S. says to read two chapters a day in the Bible and you will have read the whole thing in about a year and a half. Many Bibles are organized with built-in reading plans and are available at Christian bookstores. Mike C. used the Daily Walk Bible from Walk Thru the Bible Ministries. He got behind, but plugged through and finished the Bible in about two years.

Here are a few tips that have helped us in our praying. 1) Make a list. 2) Keep up with prayers answered by keeping a prayer journal. 3) Use the psalms as a format for your own prayers; you will remember to pray about things you would not otherwise pray for. 4) Use a prayer book; you will be surprised how it will broaden and enrich your prayers when you read the prayers of our forefathers. 5) Derek Prince said to have a different emphasis each day. Example: Mon/ family, Tues./ work, Wed./ church and leaders, Thurs./ nation and leaders, Fri./ friendships, Sat./ finances, Sun./ yourself.

YOUR FIRST PRIORITY

What is your life built around? What is your guiding light?

Jesus made a soul-searching statement when he said, “If the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” In other words, if we set our “sights” on the wrong thing, then every part of our lives will be affected by the wrong goal, the wrong motive. All will be darkened by this wrong “set.” And we will reproduce “after our kind.” Our children will adopt this wrong set and pass it on to their children. You see this all through history; you see it all around today.

Do you set aside a quiet time with Jesus every day? He died for us on the cross; that is a done deal. He also rose again, ascended to heaven, and sent his Spirit so that he could do something in us. This requires our cooperation, our stopping to receive life from Him.

In our workshop, we quoted Billy Graham as saying, “Fifteen minutes a day in Bible reading and prayer, and you will follow Jesus all the days of your life.” We will pass on who we are; make this your first priority: TIME WITH JESUS CHRIST EVERY DAY!

Question of the week: How do you make your quiet time meaningful? What materials have your used that have helped? What method do your use? What plan? Pass your ideas on to others.

Last week’s question: My teen has an attitude often. How do I handle that? What should my approach be? How do I get my teen to change?

Caryn T. from Mobile says that they handle their girls differently. With one they explain and give perspective; she usually repents. With the other, they have to give her time to reflect and follow up with removal of privileges.

Jim and Mary M. from Mobile pass this along: It is good to sit down and talk to your teen with no other distractions or people around and honestly ask what is going on. Talk calmly, help them see how they need to be, pray with them and share appropriate scriptures.

Our comments: The key here is that each child is different. Both of these tips remind us to treat our children as individuals, as made in God’s image. Knowing them as persons, getting to know them better by “non-crisis” talks are critical strategies for the teen years.