Discipline mistake #4: Double standard, Double trouble

 

    “No sweets before supper!” mom says as she is finishing the icing on the cake. Then she runs her finger along the bowl and wipes out a delicious scoop of chocolate icing and, without thinking about it, pops it into her mouth.

    Or Dad comes home from work, throws his jacket over a chair, drops his case on the couch, grabs the sports section of the news, leaves the rest of the paper on the counter, plops down on his favorite throne, I mean chair, turns on the TV, kicks off his shoes, and complains about clutter.

    Of course, these areas are not nearly as serious as when we demand the truth but gossip on the phone, teach sharing but act stingy, yell at the kids about yelling at each other, or demand kindness while we act like an ogre (not Shrek).

    It is always a temptation for the person in power to use his power to excuse himself from the “rules” of the common man. It is true in politics, governments, sports, Hollywood, and on and on. Sadly, it is also true in families, because it is true in human nature.

    It was true of the Pharisees, for in Matthew 23 Jesus spoke to them this message, “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach.” And in verse 25 he said, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.”

    So this is not a new problem; it is as old as man. And it is easy to fall into this trap without knowing it.

    The Pharisees were demanding but not leading. Jesus comes along and says, “Follow me.” This is the standard when the mature lead the immature—when parents lead children: “Follow us.” St. Paul addressed his children in the faith and said, “Follow me as I follow Christ.”

    Another name for this standard is integrity. Your words and your actions match. There is no substitute for it.

    We are often blind to the fact that we have set up a double standard. If we ask the Holy Spirit to show us these areas, He will.

    As our kids grow up, they notice. They see whether or not we are practicing what we preach. If we want our kids to hear what we say, we must say it with our words and our actions. 

    Then they will get it.

Discipline mistake #3: Mom and Dad don’t agree

    Jim and Sally are a great couple. They love God, love God’s people, and serve unselfishly. We have known them for over thirty years, they have been married over forty. They had three kids, now all grown and married. They were agreed on their church and their place in it, but not agreed on how to raise kids.

    As a matter of fact, they were a walking, talking manual of how not to raise kids in unity. Often there was a conflict about when, how, or whether or not to discipline. Sally was doing her best to submit, but not very joyfully, and not very privately. Jim was always ridiculing Sally’s suggestions and using sarcasm to get a laugh or a snicker from his boys.

    The seeds of contempt were sown and the later teen years became quite heart-breaking for Jim and Sally.
   
    When Jim was around, he carried the day; but when he was at work and Sally had the kids, she did things her way. By not backing Jim up, Sally was undermining her own authority with her kids. By not honoring Sally in front of the kids, Jim was sowing seeds of dishonor that would later grow a bitter harvest.

    Today, Jim and Sally are still plugging along together. Their kids are grown and raising their own families, Jim and Sally’s grandkids. Struggles are apparent. They are not part of a church, their kids are not obedient, more heartache seems certain.

    For Mom and Dad to be on the same page is hard work. It takes a commitment from both. Each parent has a big contribution to make toward unity. Each will have to sacrifice to make it happen. It will be worth it.

    The Father wants us to be one because he is seeking children who will display His nature.

    Malachi 2:15  “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit . . .”

    Matthew 6:24  "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” Although Jesus said this about God and money, its truth certainly applies in our homes. Our kids can’t have two masters.

LONG-RANGE VIEW: A Journey of Love

    Patricia is having surgery. An old bridge in her mouth is deteriorating and needs attention; actually, it needs replacing with a whole new system. So she is having surgery. I get to be the nurse for a few days. So I sit here waiting and thinking about this woman God has given me. I’m thinking about our journey.

    I realize this truth: love grows in the journey. We have gone through so many things together. A fairytale romance. (At least we thought so). The births of six children, each birth amazingly different. We never wanted to know gender ahead of time; we wanted the surprise. Will was born in the car on the way to the hospital. That was a surprise. It was also my fault. With Judith, we barely made it in time. Not my fault. With Jean-Luc, we just had him at home; and Dan, outpatient. The last two were her choices. In the process of it all, some of our most stressful surprises are now our best memories, our fodder for stories and laughter.

    Of course, having six little ones at home all ten and under had its adventures. There were times when a “bug” would sweep through the whole family. For days we would be up nights, cleaning bedding and carpets and clothes, and praying for God to deliver us from the “pit.” When Judith spent ten days in the hospital with spinal meningitis, we prayed and cried together, pleading for God to be merciful.

    Since Patricia stayed home with the children, our financial struggles were ever before us. We needed clothing for the kids, shoes, and more. God provided, but seldom in the same way; it seems He was always challenging us to trust Him in a new way.

    When we could manage it, we took trips to California to see Patricia’s parents and family. We would check airline prices looking for a real deal. We packed the car and drove a few times. We rode AmTrak across country, coach the whole way. At that time Judith was the baby, and I hemmed her in between my legs and bags and seats. “Are you sure she can’t get out?” Patricia asked. “Not a chance,” I assured her. A few hours later, we were awakened by a total stranger carrying Judith from seat to seat, asking everyone on the train, “Is this your baby? Is this your baby?” That was not one of my shining moments, but I think that Patricia has finally forgiven me.  We bought a pop-up and traveled across the west seeing all the sights we could in as little time as possible. It just doesn’t look that far on a map.

    As the kids got older, Patricia came to work with me in the school. Trying to balance this husband/wife-employer/employee thing was often just that—trying. Yet we have walked and talked our way through it.

    Learning the difference in how we think and how we react to situations has been a challenge. Forced to communicate through these things—because we had made vows before God to stay together until death—seasoned us. We each have had moments when we thought death might be better.

    In the whole journey, we have grown together, we have cried together, we have prayed together, we have laughed together, and we have stuck together. We have learned to love one another, and we have come to see that it is the incredible stresses that we faced together that strengthened our love. Lilies appear through mud, flowers through dirt, rainbows in storms, and love in the journey.

    It is our prayer that your marriage would grow as you journey together. My closing thoughts today are a poem I wrote along this theme. I hope that you enjoy it.

How is it that this Beauty
                            That we call Love
                            Is giv’n to dust-made man
                            From Breath-Above
And calls him out of self and earthly urge
    To live for someone else?
                                This heavenly surge
                                                           Is key
                                                           To life and joy!
I do not fully fathom
        Love in its prime;
                       But this I know:
                                             Love blossoms over time.
As circumstances lash and would destroy,
As man and wife must all their strength employ
                    To guard Love’s root . . . .
                                                          Love blooms.

INTEGRITY: Mom and Dad must be one

“People who commit to relationships are much happier than those who don’t. That’s why married people are happier than those who just live together. When people commit to something that’s expensive or difficult to get out of, they report feeling happier. My girlfriend and I had been living together for a dozen years, and those findings seemed so clear to me that I went home and proposed. Now we’re married and I do love my wife more than I loved my girlfriend, even though she’s the same person. Commitment isn’t just a sign of love; it’s a cause of love.” (Daniel Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness)

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness. . . So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Gen. 1:26-27)

Male and female in His image: separate but one. God is Father, Son, Spirit: Three Persons yet One God. Man and wife are male and female: two persons yet one flesh. God created man and woman together to reflect him. Why? Look at Malachi 2:15.

15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

God made the man and woman “one” for this purpose: He wants godly children. So guard your relationship with your wife. When we were first married, I was quite insensitive to Patricia’s feelings and thoughts. Without meaning to, I would often hurt her feelings. I wanted to say, “Get over it; it’s not that big a deal.” That just wasn’t true. Unresolved offenses are a big deal.

It would be like having a new puppy that is not yet housebroken. He messes, you clean up right away. Now instead of cleaning up, what if we treated the puppy poop like we do our relationships: “Leave it alone; it will be okay. Just step over it.” Or what if we just took a bowl and covered it up? We would live our lives stepping over or around mess, all the time. Not a good plan!

Yet that is exactly what we often do with relationships. Instead of cleaning up our relational messes immediately, we allow them to linger and hope the problems go away by themselves. They don’t; and after years of this avoidance, many marriages are just one big complicated, stinking mess—almost impossible to clean up. Impossible to step around.

Adding to this, imagine the effect this has on children. And with these young impressionable little people in our home, they learn to repeat our patterns, carrying our baggage into the next generation.

Through the encouragement of others, Patricia and I learned to ask this daily question, “Are we clear?” If either of us had an issue to discuss, we would take the time to clear it up. This meant asking for forgiveness. Saying “I’m sorry,” was not good enough; but “Will you forgive me for ________?” It is not always easy to ask for forgiveness; and sometimes it is difficult to forgive. Simply put, Jesus helped us.

Going the next step, we agreed to present unity to our kids even if we did not feel unified. Often we would “conference” in our bedroom trying to reach the same mind on an issue. We had determined that God’s word would be our final word. We made mistakes in judgment, failed to act as one, yet kept trying. Establishing Biblical patterns of relating to one another changed us, and today we see fruit of it in our children. We have grown in our confidence that God’s truth is for daily life, for real relationships, for real marriages, for real parents.

For us and for you.

INTEGRITY/DISCIPLINE: Wally World

Walk up and down the aisles of Wally World and you will get several lessons in the wrong way to treat your kids.

“Mama, Mama, Mama, I want that. Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, I want that.”

Mama says, “If you don’t hush, you won’t get anything. Now hush.”

“Mama, how about this, Mama? Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, can I have this?”

This type of interchange is repeated until finally mama says, “If I get you that, will you shut up?” Mama’s resolve bites the dust as she falls for “the old broken record trick.” She gives in to the little guy and breaks her own word.

Dads are often in the same boat. The little guy takes off running and laughing, and dad calls after him, “Come back here, Bubba; don’t make me have to spank you.” But little Bubba is long gone, too late for simple reasoning. So, dad goes chasing after him, catching him in a swoosh, and swinging him over his shoulder. Of course, the whole scene is repeated until Dad gets a little sharper in his tone and raises his voice to show that this time he means it. But he really does not mean it. He is embarrassed that he can’t control his two-year old and turns the whole thing into a game to hide his lack of clear authority. As they get older the embarrassment increases because other people are watching.

Note: Never discipline your children because other people are watching.

Discipline them because God is watching.

The centurion told Jesus, “I too am a man under authority. I say to this one ‘Go’ and he goes; and I say to this one ‘Come’ and he comes.” A person must receive authority before he can have authority. That is what the the two Wally World parents lacked—authority. They end up breaking their word because they don’t take charge.

Authority comes from God; it doesn’t start with us. “Because I said so” is not a good enough reason. We do what we do as parents because God says so. We teach right and wrong. We encourage, we train, we correct, we discipline because God says so.

Here are three strategies that can help:

1) Before going in the store explain what you expect. Anticipate the problems and handle them ahead of time. I have seen Patricia do this hundreds of times in many different situations. This idea pays off again and again.

2) Tell your kids that you will give them a chance to choose one item. You narrow the choices to two or three things. They can choose from the things you show them. As they get older, you can give them a price range. This privilege can be lost by bad behavior.

3) If necessary, you can exercise the nuclear option by leaving the basket in the aisle, packing up the kids and taking them home. There you can explain, correct, and discipline without the pressure of other eyes watching.

INTEGRITY/DISCIPLINE: Three enemies of consistency

Enemy #1: Anger

I had sent Will to my bedroom (our spanking place), and I was hot on his heels when Patricia grabbed my hand and held it firmly. “You are too angry,” she said; and she was right. I walked up and down our hallway, asking Jesus to help me calm down. He did. I went in and Will got his spanking, but not from an angry dad.

Patricia knew from past experience that anger clouded my judgment. My words and my spanks were in danger of being overcharged from the adrenalin that comes with anger. She slowed me down because she knew “man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:20)

When we discipline in anger, our perspective is skewed; and consequently, our message to our children is obscured. Instead of disciplining our children in a clear Godward direction, we leave them confused, hurt, and often angry, too. Anger does more harm than good.

Enemy #2: Lack of clarity

Another enemy of consistency came up in the first question at our most recent discussion: “The discipline area is where it is hardest to be consistent, and we have difficulty keeping the standard. What kinds of things call for a spanking?”

This is a great question because an uncertain parent will produce an uncertain child. Why do we spank? Dennis and Barbara Rainey recommend the following scripture, and we think it is a good place to start. Their thinking was that we should hate what God hates.

Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

We shortened the list for our own family to disrespect, disobedience, lying, and stealing. These things were always a big deal, and we spanked for them. You may make your own list, but have a list that you believe deserve a spanking. Discuss it with your spouse until you agree, and then remind one another as situations arise. Just having this list will help you become more consistent.

Enemy #3: Quick tears

Finally, don’t be taken in by tears. In Exodus 34:7, God says this about Himself: “He never lets the guilty go unpunished.” Tears come for many reasons: fear, pain, regret, repentance, even joy. Even genuine tears and forgiveness do not erase consequences. And we certainly cannot allow tears to negate our God-given responsibility.

A large percentage of what a child learns, he learns by age five. This young, cute age is the best time to impart respect and attention for God. Let’s adopt God’s ways and “never let the guilty go unpunished.”

All of us need to be aware of these three enemies to our own consistency:

Anger

Lack of clarity

Quick tears

As we build our consistency on God’s eternal truth, we will open a door for God to work in the hearts of our children.

INTEGRITY: A surprising discovery

As we think about integrity, we define it as “wholeness; as soundness all the way through.” When Jesus healed people, the scripture often says that “he made them whole.” As Chelsea mentioned in our LifePrep discussion, “Integrity is being the same in public and in private.” As followers of Jesus, we want our children to walk with God in a real way. For that to happen, we can’t just point the way, we must lead. We must walk with God first.

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children.(Deuteronomy 6:5-7)

Deuteronomy means “second law.” This is because Moses was giving the law for the second time, this time to the second generation. The older generation had perished in the desert because they had been disobedient to the law God had given them at Mount Sinai. Now their adult children were at the border to the promised land forty years later. Moses was impressing on the adults that loving God themselves was the key to teaching their children to love God.

It just makes sense. If we don’t love God, our children won’t either. Our example makes the greatest impression.

Our words and hearts and actions are to be one. That’s integrity, soundness, wholeness.

On the other hand, integrity does not mean that we do everything right. That’s perfection and we are not perfect. Therefore, integrity would include admitting that we are not perfect. We all have flaws and weaknesses that trip us.

I remember one discipline episode with Jean-Luc, one of our sons. He would not admit his guilt. I knew he was guilty, but he was stubbornly resistant to my correction. For me, it was frustrating that he would not admit the obvious. A few days later, God’s Spirit convicted me that Jean had learned his stubbornness from me, because I had trouble admitting my own sin. The following scripture reminded me that Jean and I were both part of sinful humanity.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. (Galatians 6:1)

We were both in need of the same solution, the death of Christ on our behalf. As I recognized that he and I shared a common weakness, I was able to approach him in a way that opened his heart to admit his own guilt. The result became confession, forgiveness, cleansing, restoration.

We are examples to our children, not the standard. God’s commands are the standards that call us all, parents and children, to the high mark of Christ.

As parents, let us love God, all the while admitting our human weakness. He dwells with the lowly and broken of heart. Surprisingly, that is a key part of integrity for followers of Jesus.