RELATIONSHIPS: Self-esteem

A composite of research findings (Baumeister, 1993) described that people of low self-esteem have these tendencies: confused about themselves, uncertain, submitting readily to other people’s influence, and lacking in self-confidence. Not exactly what we want for our kids.

A later review of literature (Baumeister, Smart, and Boden, 1996) linked high self-esteem to violence. “Murderers, rapists, wife-beaters. . .and other categories of violent people are all marked by strongly held views of their own superiority.” The highest self-esteem scores come from people in prison. They appear to have no respect for anyone else. Obviously, we don’t want this for our kids either.

It seems that low self-esteem is bad for the self, and high self-esteem is linked to treating others badly, even leading to violence. What do we want for our kids? At the risk of sounding “religious,” let’s try instilling in our children a high esteem for God.

Ephesians 4:18 (The Message)

They’ve refused for so long to deal with God

that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself.

They can’t think straight anymore.

Respect God; respect others. Love God; love others. It is a trickle-down of reality that affects all relationships. The Spirit of God causes us to love others; it is that simple.

Centering on self is always a problem, a sin. When we are overly concerned about how our kids feel about themselves, we encourage them to sin. We forfeit the most important truth that ties them to reality and wholeness: how they relate to God. Created in His image, adopted into his family, we are called to lay down our lives for the benefit of others.

Raising our children with an awareness of others is crucial. Respect and value for others comes from God. Jesus said, "As you have done to the least, you have done to me."

People who esteem God above themselves have changed the world. They have brought wholeness into broken cultures, built hospitals, and introduced education.

Our main goal as parents is to teach our children to deny themselves, take up their crosses and follow Jesus. As we train our children to lay aside their own desires in order to do the will of God, we create a better world. An unselfish world. A blessed world.

DISCIPLINE: Parents must interfere

1 Kings 1:5-6

Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, "I will be king." So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him.

(His father had never interfered with him by asking, "Why do you behave as you do?" He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)

It was David’s plan to make Solomon the next king. Adonijah, however, was the oldest surviving son and believed that he should be king.

King David was just too busy at the office to get involved with his son Adonijah. After all, he had a kingdom to run. The result was that Adonijah grew up with a big ego: “he put himself forward and said, ‘I will be king.’” Probably, Haggith his mother believed that Adonijah had the right to become the next king. The tragedy in all of this was that Adonijah would never be king. But since “Dad David” had never interfered with him, he figured David would stay out of the way this time, too. Sadly for Adonijah, it would eventually cost him his life.

From his deathbed, David crowns Solomon king. Then the plot thickens. In chapter 2, Adonijah is still plotting to be king and influences Bathsheba, Solomon’s mom, to speak in his behalf. Solomon sees through it and orders Adonijah’s execution. It seems like Adonijah had never been told, “No.” He had a high self-esteem. As a prince he had been catered to, he had been flattered, and he had been allowed to do as he pleased without correction. Adonijah could not accept his place; therefore, wise Solomon could not allow him to live.

Verse 6 points out the root of Adonijah’s problem very simply: “His father had never interfered with him.” In other words his dad had never corrected him. Adonijah grew up without a father’s balance and authority. He had the run of the palace. David was around but not connected. Adonijah’s self-importance grew and grew, but David either had not known or had not taken the time.

Here’s my point. Parents are supposed to “interfere” in their children’s lives. God fully expects parents to lead, to instruct, and to punish. That sounds like interference to me. It is the kind of interference that will help them to grow into productive, God-fearing adults.

May it never be said of us that we did not address the behavior of our children.