Discipline Mistake #5: Never call a practice

A Tale of Two Coaches

I played Little League Baseball four years, ages 9-12. Coach Thomas was a perfectionist. I remember him teaching us how to “hookslide” over and over in practice. Rarely, someone would get it right and he would make them freeze while he taught the rest of us. Once that year, I rounded second base heading into third and the throw was coming in toward the home plate side of the third base bag. I focused on sliding out and away from the bag just letting my toe catch the corner. The third baseman tagged the ground in front of the base, but I was beyond the tag. Safe! Coach Thomas was clapping his hands; it had worked just like he taught us. I loved the hookslide, I loved Coach Thomas, I loved baseball.

After Little League, I played Babe Ruth baseball, ages 13-15. The rules were different, the bases longer, the players better. Coach Harris was too busy to practice with us; so most of the time practice was cancelled. One season we had only two practices the whole season. When we started the games, he would call time out and tell us what to do. He might yell at us across the field. He changed our positions several times, trying to find the winning combination. He never found it. He was frustrated, we were frustrated—every game. When I finished my final year of Babe Ruth, I walked away from baseball. I had lost my love for the coach and for the sport.

Some parents are Coach Thomas parents. Coach Thomas parents take some time to think about the game of life and prepare their kids for what’s ahead.  “When you meet a bully, look him in the eye.  When you are tempted to cheat, pray for strength. When you are making decisions, seek counsel. When you are discouraged, trust God and do something for someone else.” These kids are going to face the crises and understand what to do.

Coach Harris parents are always expecting their kids just to know what to do, but the rules are changing, the stakes are higher, and the kids don’t know their positions yet. When bullies show up, they look away for help. When they are tempted to cheat, they are unclear and give in. When making decisions they procrastinate. When they are discouraged, they give up. When Coach Harris parents try to teach in the crisis, it sounds more like criticism than help. They are frustrated and their kids are, too.

Having used each of these methods at different times, we decided that the Coach Thomas method is better. We hope that you will, too. Why don’t you share a comment about how you are preparing your kids for the game of life?

LONG-RANGE VIEW: Why risk it?

  
     In their day, the Pilgrims were called Separatists because they separated themselves from the Church of England. They met in their homes in secret to read the Bible and worship freely. This was in contrast to the Puritans who remained in the church of England with the hope of purifying it. For the Separatists, this meant that the king and his officials became their enemy; Separatists were the “trouble makers” and were officially persecuted. The government broke up the secret meetings; they took their positions, their properties, and arrested them. This is how the Separatists became wanderers for their faith, pilgrims; they left England and fled to Holland in 1608.

    Settling in Leyden, Holland, they were able to worship freely. The Dutch had been persecuted by the Spanish years earlier and were much more tolerant of different ways to worship Jesus Christ. In Leyden for twelve years, the Pilgrims worked hard and sought to make it a home, but it was not to be.

    Language was a barrier. Making a living was difficult. The culture was foreign to them. Over the twelve years there, they realized that their children were growing up speaking a different language, learning a strange culture, unaware of their own heritage, and straying from their faith. Their ability to shape the hearts and minds of their own children was dangerously hampered. Something had to be done.

    This was a key factor in motivating them to take the risk to go to the New World. God had given them the insight to see past their own generation into the next. Why did these men and women risk everything to come to America? Why leave civilization to go to the wild regions of an unknown place? They were looking to the future, toward their children and grandchildren and beyond.

    That’s why they secretly returned to England to board ships bound for America. They risked their lives in order to gain a future for their children. They sacrificed, but they did not call it that. They called it opportunity; they called it God’s will.

    They were like the children of Israel that Moses delivered from Egypt. They were like Abraham who heard God’s call and followed. They were also mothers and fathers who were moved to action so that they could offer their children the opportunity to know Jesus Christ who was the reason behind it all.

    I have a friend who runs an orphanage in Reynosa, Mexico. He established their own school in order to sow faith in the children there. That was not an easy task.

    As the principal of a Christian school, I see parents each year sacrifice in order to sow a future of faith in their children.

    Some homeschool, some teach Sunday school, some get involved in youth groups, some move to different cities, some turn down promotions, some curb their travel and consequently their income.

    Like the Pilgrims, parents today all around us are driven by their faith to sow eternal truth in the hearts and minds of their children. Often, it is sacrificial.

    May we be among them! Hear their stories. Discover our own. We are pilgrims, too.

RELATIONSHIP: Our First Wedding

Patrick, our oldest son, married Melody Strom this past Sunday afternoon. I was struck with the richness of the event. Of course, the food was good, the ceremony was heart-tugging, the reception celebratory, full of laughter and dancing hearts. Melody was beautiful, and Patrick was a bucket of tears, as was most of his immediate family. If the Curries have a family trait, it is probably that we blubber all over ourselves in our happiest moments. What a way to show happiness!
Every wedding has its own endearing surprises. For almost everyone, this particular wedding’s memories will include the challenge of finding the way to the Marquardt Ranch. Some said the directions were erroneous, others incomplete, and then others simply had trouble knowing left and right. Yet the wedding itself did not take a wrong turn. The scenic ride to the Marquardt Ranch was filled with crossing streams of running water, discovering fields of Texas Bluebonnets, and even spotting deer and turkey along the way. Split rail fences, stone fences, and fences made of mesquite posts stacked side-by-side.
The ranch itself was a beautiful stone structure atop a shady hill, surrounded by pastures and fields. The bride and groom exchanged their vows overlooking a beautiful flowing stream bordered on the opposite bank by yellow wildflowers. Although the day was overcast and threatened rain, the spirits of the guests were not dampened in the least. A middle eastern tune played by the DJ called forth the Arab Debka dance , Patrick riding on the shoulders of his brother Will and Greg Marconi. Soon Texas seemed to be a middle-eastern melting pot, Greek music playing, Patricia and the Jajeh family leading the Debka according to their Palestinian heritage, and several people joining in because they thought it was a Jewish dance. Such is the beauty of cultures and families coming together in a wedding.
I was struck by how rich we are in friends and people. The Strom family was gracious and worthy of the occasion. Randy and Jody, Melody’s parents, were the reception hosts, generously sharing their joy with everyone. Several of the local San Antonio church community gave of themselves to decorate, bake and clean up at the end. The out of town visitors from both families added so much with their presence and sacrifice. Nebraska, Ohio, Colorado, California, Alabama, Tennessee, and Texas all celebrated together. Farmers, doctors, lawyers, geeks, educators, all entered into unity to savor the moment, to share the joy of the day.
I withdrew for a few moments and walked outside to the edge of the little cliff overlooking the winding Joshua River. I simply gave thanks. For the marriage. For marriage as God’s idea. For family. For community that thrives and rejoices when marriage is honored and upheld as a gift from God to us. For the depth of a God-honoring community that spans miles and states and continents. For the contribution that each new person brings to our lives and to the lives of our children.
Once again the hope of God rose up in me. The next generation will be blessed.In the midst of frustrations, struggles, and pain, there is still joy in the journey. The cause of Christ will continue to spread and grow throughout the earth and throughout time. And our greatest riches are in the people that God has joined with us.
O Lord, I have learned
To compose my soul in quietness
Like a child content in mommy’s lap
I don’t ask you for a thing.
O people, let us learn
That our hope is in the Highest;
From now until forever,
It is He who makes us sing.

LONG-RANGE VIEW: A Journey of Love

    Patricia is having surgery. An old bridge in her mouth is deteriorating and needs attention; actually, it needs replacing with a whole new system. So she is having surgery. I get to be the nurse for a few days. So I sit here waiting and thinking about this woman God has given me. I’m thinking about our journey.

    I realize this truth: love grows in the journey. We have gone through so many things together. A fairytale romance. (At least we thought so). The births of six children, each birth amazingly different. We never wanted to know gender ahead of time; we wanted the surprise. Will was born in the car on the way to the hospital. That was a surprise. It was also my fault. With Judith, we barely made it in time. Not my fault. With Jean-Luc, we just had him at home; and Dan, outpatient. The last two were her choices. In the process of it all, some of our most stressful surprises are now our best memories, our fodder for stories and laughter.

    Of course, having six little ones at home all ten and under had its adventures. There were times when a “bug” would sweep through the whole family. For days we would be up nights, cleaning bedding and carpets and clothes, and praying for God to deliver us from the “pit.” When Judith spent ten days in the hospital with spinal meningitis, we prayed and cried together, pleading for God to be merciful.

    Since Patricia stayed home with the children, our financial struggles were ever before us. We needed clothing for the kids, shoes, and more. God provided, but seldom in the same way; it seems He was always challenging us to trust Him in a new way.

    When we could manage it, we took trips to California to see Patricia’s parents and family. We would check airline prices looking for a real deal. We packed the car and drove a few times. We rode AmTrak across country, coach the whole way. At that time Judith was the baby, and I hemmed her in between my legs and bags and seats. “Are you sure she can’t get out?” Patricia asked. “Not a chance,” I assured her. A few hours later, we were awakened by a total stranger carrying Judith from seat to seat, asking everyone on the train, “Is this your baby? Is this your baby?” That was not one of my shining moments, but I think that Patricia has finally forgiven me.  We bought a pop-up and traveled across the west seeing all the sights we could in as little time as possible. It just doesn’t look that far on a map.

    As the kids got older, Patricia came to work with me in the school. Trying to balance this husband/wife-employer/employee thing was often just that—trying. Yet we have walked and talked our way through it.

    Learning the difference in how we think and how we react to situations has been a challenge. Forced to communicate through these things—because we had made vows before God to stay together until death—seasoned us. We each have had moments when we thought death might be better.

    In the whole journey, we have grown together, we have cried together, we have prayed together, we have laughed together, and we have stuck together. We have learned to love one another, and we have come to see that it is the incredible stresses that we faced together that strengthened our love. Lilies appear through mud, flowers through dirt, rainbows in storms, and love in the journey.

    It is our prayer that your marriage would grow as you journey together. My closing thoughts today are a poem I wrote along this theme. I hope that you enjoy it.

How is it that this Beauty
                            That we call Love
                            Is giv’n to dust-made man
                            From Breath-Above
And calls him out of self and earthly urge
    To live for someone else?
                                This heavenly surge
                                                           Is key
                                                           To life and joy!
I do not fully fathom
        Love in its prime;
                       But this I know:
                                             Love blossoms over time.
As circumstances lash and would destroy,
As man and wife must all their strength employ
                    To guard Love’s root . . . .
                                                          Love blooms.

LONGRANGE VIEW: When trouble comes . . .

Mark 4:17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.

Recently, some close friends were attacked in their own apartment. They were young men, college students who had dared to live outside themselves, outside their comfort zone. Over the course of a couple of years, they had established relationships with younger guys in their apartments and had begun to help them with school work. Every Tuesday and Thursday had become tutoring days. Schoolwork, reading and math, came first; then they would play games with X-box or computers.
Their involvement in the apartment complex was having an effect. One high school student had accepted Christ and become part of a local church. Another eleven-year-old student had heard God speak to him about his attitude and changed his action because of it.
Then the attack came. In the middle of night, four armed gunmen broke into their apartment, pistol-whipped the two young men who were there, threatened them further, stole their technical equipment, musical instruments, and took one of the cars.
Now they are dealing with all the natural feelings that come after such an event: discouragement, fear, depression, and more. But to their credit, they are asking a question that goes beyond their personal safety: How do we keep reaching these young students without endangering ourselves unnecessarily? They are seeking counsel and prayer from older men as well as the wisdom that comes from God. These young men have caught the fire of classical Christian faith. Is there not a cause greater than ourselves? Is not the call of Jesus worth more than our comfort and safety. These young men have deep roots in Christ. Some of their idealism has been shattered, but the realism of their deep faith is growing.
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he can never lose.
Jim Elliot
Somewhere along the way, these young men have been called to a faith that overcomes trouble. Their parents are to be commended; they have demonstrated to their children that trouble is part of the journey.
We as parents never want our own children to be endangered or hurt; that would be unnatural. On the other hand, if we never let our children deal with their own problems, work out their own relationships, and face their own fears, we handicap them. Hurt, rejection, pain are part of life; we all experience them. Danger is lurking around the corner for all of us. If we do not realize that, we are naïve. As parents, we must ask ourselves how we can prepare our children for what will certainly come at some point in their lives. We must see far enough ahead to know that our children will face difficulty and danger without us. Are we getting them ready for that? Are we helping them to grow deep roots in Christ? Are we sowing an eternal hope that will carry them beyond temporary trouble?
Jesus said,
“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
As parents, let’s equip our children to be overcomers so that they will not fall away when trouble comes.

LONG-RANGE VISION: Leading your teens

I recently had the opportunity to meet with a group of teachers from Central America. We were discussing their high school students and tried to answer this question: Are teenagers children or adults? Lively discussion back and forth produced no real conclusion. Several felt strongly on each side of the issue.

Then we changed the question: If we asked the teens the same thing—Are you adults or children—what would they answer. Amazingly, we found solidarity in that everyone thought the teens would say that they are adults. This is at the core of many of our difficulties with our teens. We treat them like kids but we expect them to act like adults. They feel like adults but they often still act like kids.

So how do we begin to bring the two worlds together? How do we sow the seeds of maturity into them when they are teens? How can we lead them in such a way that they grow up into adults who accept responsibility for themselves and for others?

Michael Abrashoff was captain of the naval ship USS Benfold. He utilized four elements with his young sailors that fostered cooperation and maturity. He records them in his book on leadership called It’s Your Ship. He implemented these four actions on a ship made up mostly of young sailors, many who were still in their teens. The following list is his but the comments are mine.

1) Respect—Often with our teens we still hover over them like they are little kids. We ignore their feelings and dismiss their ideas. Our first necessary change must be a change of posture. Instead of taking them head-on, let’s learn to stand beside them and look at life together. That’s how we look at problems with other adults; let’s take that posture with our teens. Don’t give away your authority, just change posture. One way that he demonstrated this was by encouraging his officers to eat with the men instead of eating separately. Think of one practical way that you can break down the dividing wall between us and our teens. A planned meal together may be a good start.

2) Impact—Give them an opportunity to make an impact. The powerful effect of making a real difference in the family, community, or world is almost addictive. We all like it; we all want it. Find ways to involve your family and especially your teens in projects that make a difference for real people. If you can do it together, the benefit is magnified. Abrashoff communicated to his sailors that the ship belonged to them; he gave them ownership. He allowed them to make decisions as long as they did not cost more money or endanger lives. Communication improved, performance improved, and relationships improved.

3) Listen aggressively—Teens often have hare-brained ideas that we cast off as soon we hear them. Instead of demonstrating our own wisdom, let’s learn to help them develop theirs. Listen and ask questions that aim at getting to the kernel of their ideas. We might get inspired. Abrashoff met with each man on his ship. He learned their names and the names of their wives. He kept a file on their families and showed personal interest in their endeavors. He asked each man how to improve the operations of the ship. He followed up with changes.

4) Reward with responsibility—Nothing communicates confidence to a teen more than saying, “You have done well enough to be trusted more.” When they have done well, acknowledge it by increased trust. This can be a broadening of their personal boundaries or perhaps another responsibility to take charge of. As the men on Abrashoff’s ship became experts in their responsibilities, he gave them opportunities to learn other positions. Like a football coach, he developed depth at each position. This kept his sailors challenged and focused their energies in a positive direction. In two years, his ship outperformed every other ship in the navy.

We parent children. We lead adults.

I am proposing to you as parents that you change your mindset regarding your teens from one of parenting to one of leading. When dealing with teens, leadership principles might be more appropriate than parenting ideas. The difference could be dramatic.

RELATIONSHIP: Eliminate the Rambo mindset

Our teens might come home with contraband in their backpacks: cigarettes, porn, or pot. It doesn’t matter what the contraband is. We are shocked, then livid, then disappointed, then hurt. Then we have to decide what to do. Normally, we choose to wade in with guns blazing. Before we do, let’s consider the Matthew 13 passage again:
“because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn."
This parable is about people, not wheat. When we know that we have sown good seed, we are angry when some weeds begin to grow along with the good stuff.
My natural reaction is to pull up the weeds. Say what needs to be said, decide the consequences, and go on with life. Weeds pulled. The problem is that I would be “pulling up the good wheat with the bad weeds.” The harvest I demand in behavior would destroy the harvest I want in relationship. This would not be a harvest of righteousness and peace.
If we choose a “Rambo” mindset, we might win the battle, but everything around us gets destroyed. In trying to do the right thing, we don’t do the righteous thing. As parents, we often declare war in our own homes against the ones we are trying to help.
Throw the “Rambo” mindset out; keep your kids.
Let’s discover what pleases God.
Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 30:33 “For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife."
Proverbs 22: 24-25 “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” Approaching a situation in anger causes our teens to learn our ways, and then we are all caught or ensnared.

The Father sends the Holy Spirit with a different strategy. Jesus called the Holy Spirit the “Parakletos: one called alongside.” Aren’t you glad that the Father did not send the “Bully” or the “Enforcer” or the “Rambo?”
Let’s come alongside our children as they become teens and as they make mistakes; we might see a different harvest.
“ALONGSIDE” STRATEGIES
Seek to understand first. Stay calm. Say little. Say softly.
Discuss at a later time when emotions aren’t explosive. No Rambo.
Counsel more, correct less.
Change posture and position. Move from face-to-face and from hovering over to standing alongside. Say, “Let’s look at this situation together.”
Pray together about the situation. This is not easy to do, but fruitful.
Tell your teen, “We are on your side.”



Your willingness to listen to them may open their ears to you and to God’s Spirit. After you have come alongside and listened, you may need to pray and seek counsel about what to do. You do not want to excuse guilt; you do not want to be too harsh. If they are wrong, you must let the ax fall. Just let it fall in sorrow, not in anger.

James 1:19-20 Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
Just a reminder that this involves teens, not little guys. With little guys, there is not so much discussion but more of a benevolent dictatorship. With teens the playing field changes, and so must we.

LONG-RANGE VISION: Sorting teens out

The problem with my teenagers turned out to be me.

As Anna and Patrick reached their teen years, they began this natural, God-ordained transition into adulthood. Their bodies were changing, their emotions deepening, their faces changing. They were thinking their own thoughts and questioning ours. Everything about them was in process.

Except me. I was not making any changes in how I parented them. I kept using the same tools, the same words, and the same expectations that I had used since they were tots. I was also experiencing a whole new level of frustration.

They were frustrated too. Good attitudes were disappearing, work ethic gone. I remember telling Anna to clean her room and she did it. . .amazingly quickly. After a few days, she was missing a shoe. I began to help her hunt for it. When I looked under her bed, I realized why her room looked so good these days. Everything--and I mean everything--was under her bed.

When Patricia and I compared observations, we came to this conclusion: We did not teach her to do that. About that time we discovered this parable from Matthew 13.

24 Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. 25 But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away .26 When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. 27 "The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?'

28 "'An enemy did this,' he replied. "The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?' 29 "'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.'"

We realized that this parable was about people, not wheat. We knew that we had sown good seed, but some weeds were growing along with the good stuff. The wisdom of the owner in this parable gave us a new strategy: wait on the Lord to bring a time of harvest and then be there to sort things out. We discovered that these two new parenting skills were not easily adopted.

1) Wait on the Lord to bring about the right time, and

2) Take the time to sort things out.

Personally, I felt better when I pulled up the weeds. I could say what needed to be said, decide the consequences, and go on with life. Weeds pulled. The problem was that I was often “pulling up the good wheat with the bad weeds.” The harvest I was reaping in my teens was not the bounty I had hoped for. Our relationships suffered. Joy was more elusive. Harsh words replaced encouragement. Important conversations were reduced to logistics.

“What time do I pick you up?”

“4:00.”

“Bye, have a good day.”

“Bye.”

We wanted more than that. We believed that God promised more than that. Patricia and I began to encourage one another to wait for a right moment and sort out the issues instead of pulling up weeds every day.

When Jesus explained the meaning of this parable, he concluded with verse 43: “Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

That is what we want for our children; we want them to shine righteously as the sun in the kingdom of our Father.

DISCIPLINE, LONG-RANGE VISION: Exhausted but glad!

I saw Georgie the other day; only I shouldn’t say his name is Georgie. Now it’s George; he’s married with a three-year-old daughter. I remembered one of my first encounters with him when he was in sixth grade. He was sent to the office because he simply would not do as the teacher asked. When the secretary told him to sit down, he defiantly muttered, “You can’t tell me what to do.” Georgie was building quite a resume in his first week at our school.

Upon returning to the office, I saw him standing there resolutely, imagining that the whole world was against him. At that moment in his life, that was probably close to the truth.

I guided him into my office and we began to talk. Again, Georgie was difficult, unreasonable, and defiant. In normal circumstances like that, I prescribe a good old-fashioned middle school spanking. Georgie was a prime candidate.

After checking his file, I noted that his dad wished to be called before Georgie would be spanked. I dialed his number. When he answered, I explained the situation and ended by saying that Georgie needed to be spanked. Then I added, “I can do it or you can come do it.” He said, “I’ll come.”

When Georgie’s dad arrived, we met again in my office: Georgie, his dad, and me. Georgie’s attitude was unchanged, demonstrating belligerence and anger at everyone involved, including his dad. Then his dad made a strange request; he asked Georgie to step out while he talked with me. Georgie did. Then his dad turned to me and confessed, “I have never spanked him; how do you do it?”

I showed him how to grip the paddle and how to use his wrist action to give a good pop at the end of the swing. He caught on quickly, and we asked Georgie to step into the room. I think that Georgie was so shocked to see his dad holding a paddle that he forgot to be upset. He followed my directions as I instructed him how to receive a paddling. Mr. S. delivered a very solid whack to the rear end of his son, who immediately stood up and burst into tears. His dad looked him right in the eye and said, “If you are going to go to school here, you will obey the rules.”

After Georgie regained his composure, we returned him to class where he obeyed and followed directions quite like a little gentleman.

His dad, on the other hand, was exhausted and elated. It had taken everything he had to give his son a spanking, but he was encouraged that he had taken to the task at hand. He was even more encouraged by his son’s response. After a few minutes, he got up, thanked me and left. He was the first person I ever taught to spank his own child.

And George is now all grown up with a family. By the way, he is a teacher and a coach. He stopped by my office to see me and to reminisce. I asked him if he remembered that day in my office. He didn’t remember it at all. Then he shared with me about his daughter’s heart condition and asked me to pray. I did and he left. It was good to see him.

I wondered as he left, “Where would he be if his dad had not walloped him that day in my office?” I believe that it was a significant day for both him and his father. Mr. S. gave everything he had that day to train and correct his son. He was exhausted and glad. I imagine that he is still glad today as he watches his son take on responsible fatherhood.

Today, I challenge dads to train and to correct your children. It will take all that you have, but you’ll be glad.

As you trust God and do the right thing, you will see His blessing on your children.