COMMUNICATION: ONE-TO-ONE

Patricia is teaching our kids to drink!

She has discovered this secret: the more they drink, the more their tongues are loosed, the more they share what is in their hearts. So she sets about to drink with them.

With the girls, she has often planned little tea parties, just Mom and daughter. A special flavored tea, a special little treat, a special teapot, special cups, a special time. She has done this since they were very small and it has created special moments for one-to-one time with each girl. (Sometimes it is a threesome.)

With the boys, she often drinks warm milk and honey or fixes them a special shake. The point is that she takes the time to create a special moment and she communicates acceptance, value, and love.

In her mind, she plans to have these special times on their birth date in each month. Anna was born on the 3^rd; so each month on the 3^rd, Patricia tries to connect with Anna.

Put priorities on your calendar!

Day to day events can also turn into one-to-one opportunities. If I have to make a trip to Home Depot or run an errand downtown, I intentionally ask one of the kids to go along. We “encourage” them to go if they do not have something definite planned; we operate under the belief that our will does trump their will. We tell our children that family is important. We speak about being open in relationships, open to stop what they are doing for the higher goal of spending time with one another.

So we teach them to say, “Yes, I’ll go.”

These trips together can often have "a little planned surprise,” or something unexpected may occur that becomes a shared memory. Dan and I witnessed a car accident; Will and I were in an accident together. You don’t plan those things, but they do build relationship! Just because we were together.

So, one on one time doesn’t have to be planned and complicated, it can be spontaneous and simple.

If you are together enough, you will grow together.

COMMUNICATION TAKES TIME

Danny was about three. Patricia, being the loving mother that she is, spoke her love for him in a tender moment, “Danny, there is nobody like you.”

Danny burst into tears!
“Nobody likes me?” he cried out, completely crushed.

Patricia was appalled. It took her several minutes to clear up the misunderstanding between what she said and what a three-year-old heard.

This is why communication takes time. It involves more than what is said; it involves what is heard. It takes some feedback, conversation, listening, questioning, follow-up; and without them no one knows if communication has occurred.

First, relax. You have twenty years to communicate what is important. Secondly, be on guard, because “the power of life and death are in the tongue.”

Your child knows you better than you know your child. She studies you, watches you, listens, imitates, and comes to understand you far more quickly than you come to know and understand them. That’s why your own children can push all your buttons at the same time and get you so worked up.

We must get to know our children.

Chuck Swindoll, in his book You and Your Child, encourages parents to get to know your children. He interprets the scripture “train up a child in the way he should go” as “train him up in the way he is bent;” in other words, discover how God has made him and encourage him in that direction.

Patti Cumbest strives to know her children. This year Rachel, her older daughter, had to complete a personal inventory on group interactions. As Patti observed Rachel writing in answers, Patti realized that she knew all the answers before Rachel wrote anything down! Patti said, “All my time and effort to intentionally know my children has been worth it. I know Rachel. I am more than a chauffeur, a cook, a fashion consultant…I know who she is, and what she is about.”

Discover motivators:
1) what each child’s love language is
2) what preferences does my child have
3) tie these two things together as often as possible to communicate love

Instead of standing over our children, learn to come alongside and benefit them. This is what the Holy Spirit does for us; He comes alongside. Jesus called him the Parakletos (Greek for “one called alongside).

Barna’s research shows that 90 minutes a day should be spent in conversing, talking, sharing, listening with your children. 90 minutes coming alongside. Ten minutes here, fifteen minutes there begin to add up. Make it your rule of thumb.

90 minutes a day!