RELATIONSHIP TRAINING: Teach in the calm; apply in the crisis

     Problem? Name-calling, hurting words, flashing tempers, getting even, slamming doors, shutting out, feeling pain, causing pain. Always a crisis.

     The best time to train and to teach is not in a CRISIS situation. Unfortunately, that’s when we usually try to do it. But when we’re doing that, we are way behind, and “playing catch-up” is hard.

     As a teacher, I had been taught the absolute necessity of schedule and routine for running a class. I found that it was just as necessary for running our home. Although it was a flexible schedule, I often included time to teach the kids from the Bible. Here’s what I learned:

Teach in the calm; apply in the crisis.

     There is just a certain amount of plodding along that must be part of the process of training children.

Isaiah 28:9-10 
"Who is it he is trying to teach? To whom is he explaining his message? To children . . . ? For it is: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule ; a little here, a little there."

     The adults of Isaiah’s day were insulted at Isaiah’s repetitions, but repetition for kids is necessary and enjoyable. They like doing the same things over and over. Often as adults, we find it difficult. My kids laugh about how Keith would fall asleep while reading a story to them. His eyelids would get heavy, his words unintelligible, and then his chin would drop to his chest. They would poke him awake and say, “Da-ad, finish the story.” He had read some of those stories ten to twenty times.

     But back to the crisis. When the same things kept happening over and over, I planned a time to look for answers from God’s word. We would read together, discuss it, and talk about how to apply it. The next time the “crisis” occurred, we had our discussions to refer to. We took God’s word and applied it.

      Having a designated time in the week where the children and I got together to learn was an important step in their building and learning processes. Usually a couple of times a week I would gather them and we would sit and talk.  Often, our talks revolved around Scripture. It was part of plodding along, not always fun, not always easy, not always exciting, but vital.

Hebrews 4:12 
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates . . . judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

        Often, we learned about relationships—how to get along, how to love each other, how to treat one another, how to respond, how to forgive. We saw relationships with the Lord and with one another as primary. This was a constant need. Relationships are like fragile plants in the garden of our homes. They need care and attention. Left unattended, bitter weeds grow up.

     One of my great encouragers was“Nanny Duke.” She convinced me of the importance of reading scripture with the children. We saw its effect in her grown children. Her influence sharpened my determination to “get the word” into my own kids. Now she is ninety-six and I still enjoy my conversations with her. She never fails to bring God’s words into our talks.

     An additional note: Sometimes it is hard to find the scriptures that you need for the moment. We found that Touchpoints for Students by Ronald Beers is a great little resource for finding the scriptures to fit certain situations. Arranged alphabetically by topics, you can quickly find scriptures that address the various needs of young lives. You can order it from our website: www.parentwisdom.net.  It is a great reference book to just grab off the shelf, look something up, find it in the Bible, and prepare your kids for life.

Teach in the calm; apply in the crisis.

RELATIONSHIPS: Getting along is not natural

Getting along is not natural; it is supernatural. It will require godly parental involvement and judgment.

Last week, we began to discuss relationships in our homes. We saw that conflicts need our involvement. As parents, we have to stop what we are doing in order to bring help and healing into the relational conflicts that occur in the course of daily living.

So what do we actually do? How do you stop two fighting children who really are angry and hurt?

Here’s what we learned along the way.

First, go to the place of quarreling. As a parent you carry God’s authority into the situation. Your presence may be needed to stop the escalating behaviors.

Secondly, find out what happened by hearing both sides. Allow each one to tell his full story with the other one listening. This keeps the story honest. Clarify the facts as much as possible.

Acknowledge their feelings: anger, hurt, frustration. Ask, “How did you feel when ___________________?”

Uncover their actions and responses. "So, what did you do?"

Help them evaluate their responses before God. “Was it OK that you _____________?” What does the Lord say about this? (At this point, you are appealing to truth from previous Bible study times. You are attempting to draw out what they know and apply it to this situation.)

Resolution: let the one who did the wrong ask forgiveness.  In many cases, they will both be wrong. Forgiveness must be asked on each side. One will ask, “Will you forgive me for _____?” Then wait for the response: “Yes, I forgive you.”

Have them pray for each other. James 5: 16  “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

Many times this is enough, but other times, you may need to follow up with discipline so that the resolution is just. Things should be made right. You may also want to follow up with a Bible study at a later time when tempers have cooled and emotions are calmed.
As they grow older, they will use these tools in resolving their conflicts with one another and with others.

Psalm 133:1 in the Message expresses our goal:
“How wonderful, how beautiful, when brothers and sisters get along!”