RELATIONSHIPS: Living out sacrificial love

1 John 3:16

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

Let’s face it:

Raising children may limit your social activities.

It will require going against the popular culture.

It may affect your bank account.

It will cut into your time tremendously.

It may limit your material possessions.

It may limit your ability to pursue some of your dreams.

PARENTING IS YOUR PRIMARY JOB . . . AND YOUR PRIMARY JOY!

James Dobson’s dad was a traveling evangelist with a slate booked for three years in advance. While away from home his wife called and said she needed help with the young teen James. Apparently, they had discussed this before. He closed his meetings in that town, came home, cancelled his bookings, and took a church as pastor so that he could be home with his teenaged son. Financially, it cost them tremendously, but James saw his own dad make him a priority; he focused on the family. Young James is now the founder and leader of the foremost family-based organization in the world, Focus on the Family.

Get this picture:

He saw his dad sacrifice for him.

He saw value in the home and family.

It shaped his own purpose.

It affected his view of the next generation, and

today he affects families throughout the world.

You lay down your lives for your children every day. Your sacrifices send a message to your children about the importance of the family. You walk it out, you demonstrate this day by day. You work through disagreements and struggles because you believe in a God-given future. That is your faith in operation.

As you do this, you create a background for children to grow up joyfully and securely. Do the kids realize it? Of course not. But they benefit from it. Faithful parents are weaving a fabric of culture that quietly builds the foundation for the lives of their children. Although we do not know what the future will be like, we do know that we can give our children the kind of foundation that prepares them for anything.

This is how God works, and He loves it when you do this for your children. In truth sacrifice is God-like, it is heroic. Moment after moment, day after day, month after month, year after year, you make the sacrifices that build lives, homes, culture, the very fabric of healthy society.

This is where God’s truth is learned, lived out, imitated, passed on. . . IN YOUR HOME!

1 Corinthians 15: 58

Therefore, my dear brothers (and sisters), stand firm.

Let nothing move you.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know

that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Be engaged with your kids.

Play the games.

Attend their sports events.

Teach them how to cook or how to change a tire.

Listen, listen, and listen some more.

Your greatest ministry is in your home.

RELATIONSHIPS: Resolve conflicts now, today, asap!!!

“Are we clear?”

We learned to ask this question of one another early in our marriage. We were checking to see if there were any hurts or offenses that conflicted our relationship. I admit it; I was a clueless oaf when it came to relating to a woman. I was selfish; I did not mean to be, but I was. I just didn’t get it. I would offend and never know it. This relationship question moved our marriage a giant step forward, because we agreed to ask it every day.

Even today, I am something of an oaf, but I am a nicer oaf.

When we began to raise our children, a whole new set of wills entered our home and they were often in conflict. Although most conflicts were small and probably insignificant, they were real. They disrupted the peace in our home when they were not addressed. When these conflicts finally surfaced, we often realized that we were dealing with an issue that might be days or even weeks old. Our children simply did not know how to resolve their problems with one another.

Patricia discovered this passage about Moses in Exodus 18:12-24. Verse 16 is the key: “Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God's decrees and laws." Patricia saw that Moses took time to stop and settle disputes; she realized that she needed to do the same thing as the mother of this small tribe. It gave Moses an opportunity to teach God’s decrees and laws; and it would do the same for her with our children.

Here are four things we tried to get across:

1) Relationships became top priority! Everything stopped in order to make relationships right. If we had to be late, we were late. If dinner got cold, it got cold. Relationships came first.

2) Ask and extend forgiveness: Say, “Will you forgive me?” We insisted on this principle that Jesus taught. If you offend, go and clear it up. If someone asks forgiveness, forgive. This is God’s way, and it is a blessed way. (Now that our children are older—14 to 25—we are seeing the fruit of training them to take the time to ask and receive forgiveness.)

3) You can be right but not righteous. We approached righteousness as a relationship word: being in right relationship with God, people, and things. We learned that a person can be right and yet hurt others with his words. Damage could be done in the name of “being right.” We could not change what was right or wrong, but we could seek to be right in a context of humility and consideration of others.

4) Punishing the guilty brought resolution. There is something cleansing about punishment. Proverbs 20:30 is pretty clear about this: “Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.” When someone offended and no punishment was carried out, the offended one had no sense of justice being done. The guilty person knew that the issue was not resolved because there was no closure. An appropriate punishment coupled with forgiveness brought closure to an offense.

Some suggestions:

Bickering—We separated them for a limited time and gave them individual things to do like reading, playing alone, or practicing piano. We found this more productive than time-out. Before allowing them to come back together, we made sure issues were resolved.

Hurtful words—If sweet things did not come out of their mouths, sweet things were not allowed to go in (no treats or desserts).

Hitting, kicking, harmful play—We simply spanked them and then worked through the forgiveness issues.

In all of the above, we took time to explain, to use scripture, to ask and extend forgiveness.

A balancing truth: My mom was visiting with us once and she shared this bit of wisdom with us, “You don’t have to see everything. Let them work some things out themselves.” After you have trained them, give them room to work things out. Then you become the place of appeal: less hands-on but nearby for counsel.

Ephesians 4:26 encouraged us with this admonition and summarized what we wanted to teach our children: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

Resolve it now, today, asap!!!