DISCIPLINE: Do you spank a teen?

One of our guys was having an illicit love affair. He was thirteen; she was fourteen. They were communicating . . . and working out ways to see each other . . . and kissing.  In order for these things to happen, there was a breakdown in his relationship with us, his parents. Lying to us, deceiving us. Trying to be great, dedicated, watchful, on-top-of-things parents, we were completely clueless. We were believing him, trusting him; and all the time, he was not in the light with us. He was discovered because of a tip from one of our friends, from someone who shared our values and was part of our believing community. You must have those people; none of us are self-sufficient.

When our kids were younger we had learned and tweaked our own process for spanking our kids. Lying and deceiving were spanking offenses because we spanked for disobedience, disrespect, and dangerous behaviors. This definitely fit all of those categories, but he was through puberty, now a young adult who was developing adult interests at an accelerated rate. Did the spanking process apply here?

Yes . . . and no.

Our process looked something like this (with variations):

Separate the guilty party from everyone else.
Probe with questions in order to get the facts.
Admit guilt (that is, he should confess).
Nstruct; instruct using God’s word and our experienced judgment.
Kapow; deliver the spank.
Intercede together; pray with him and for him.
Nfold; enfold him or communicate to him that we loved him.
Go back and make things right, as much as possible.

We had already been through most of this process with him concerning this same relationship, but obviously we had been unsuccessful. We had done everything but the spank/Kapow, because we felt that he was too old for that. As we reviewed our previous attempt, we remembered one of the attributes of God that He revealed to Moses: God does not leave the guilty unpunished (Ex. 34:6-7). We realized that we needed a new Kapow besides the spanking. Was there another way to deliver the Kapow? Was there something that would hurt enough to get his attention.

Before getting with him, we discussed our options and what we could enforce. We decided to shut down his life for two weeks: phone, computer, events, friends. It was like a forced Sabbath. Everything would stop for two weeks. We wanted it to be long enough to hurt but not unreasonably long. (Like a spanking, one or two licks would get his attention; but twenty licks would cause resentment.) We also agreed that his response might lengthen that amount of time. We prayed and then looked for the right opportunity to meet with him.

When we met with him, we knew the facts and we gave him the chance to come clean. He didn’t. We laid it all out, and he saw that we knew the facts. He confessed. We talked about building, losing, and then rebuilding trust. We mapped out the punishment and the path to restoration. We read scripture together, prayed together, and talked about the future. It took several hours. Everything in our lives and in his life was put on hold until we came to resolution. We spoke in quiet but determined voices. God helped us and him. By the end of two weeks, he had done everything we had asked him to do. Our relationship was restored and he began to rebuild our trust, little by little.

Everything had to stop.
     Conversation had to take place with openness.
           The Kapow had to hurt, but not damage.
                 The path to make things right had to be clear.

DISCIPLINE: Foolish or childish?

     As we had instructed them, Patrick and Will were not throwing the ball in the house. Literally, they were being obedient. But just barely. As a matter of fact, they were throwing a bear, a stuffed bear. As boys often do, they were tossing the bear back and forth, then hitting the bear back and forth, then getting wilder and wilder until the bear sailed too high and hit the light fixture on the ceiling. Down came the bear and the fixture, glass shattering, bringing mom and dad quickly down the hall.

     Were they being foolish (rebelling against authority) or being childish (acting in ignorance)? We considered this event childish and put in place logical consequences. The boys had to work to pay for the fixture and help dad in the repair (which, at their age then, basically meant “hand dad the tools.”) They also received front row seats in a lecture series given by mom and dad; they have attended numerous times.

    The foolish/childish distinction we learned from Gary Ezzo in Growing Kids God’s Way.  At the time, we needed that concept because we were treating everything like a heart issue. In this case the boys were not being rebellious, just being boys. They still needed consequences, but not punishment.

    Disobedience, disrespect, disregard of authority all fall in the foolish-heart category and need the rod along with a lot of explanation. “The rod and reproof bring wisdom.” Proverbs 29:15

    Ancient wisdom pointed out that we are all born fools, insisting on our own way instead of embracing God’s way. The Bible calls it sin, and it needs to be addressed because it is destructive. If we love our children, we will discipline them when sin raises its ugly head in their cute and valuable little lives. We know that sin left unchecked grows UGLY.

    At the same time, we are all born ignorant; at first we just don’t know. We have to be taught and guided along. Children will make mistakes, break things, lose things, cherish the cheap but despise the prize. That is why children need parents, so that we can instruct them in the ways of God, correct without condemning, help them fix what they break, find what they lose, and learn to value what is really worth something. In this process, we allow them to experience consequences that follow out of their acts of ignorance. When we do this, our children learn wisdom. They learn that the pain of self-discipline is a whole lot better than the pain of consequences caused by neglect and ignorance.

    We encourage you to take time to determine whether your children are being fools or whether they are just being children. If you punish them, they will need to know why. If you give them logical consequences, they will need to know why. Either way will require your input, your explanation, your instruction. Either way will require your time.
   

    Let's not raise fools or ignorance!

    Thanks for reading our thoughts. We’d love to hear yours. Feel free to make a comment.

INTEGRITY/DISCIPLINE: Three enemies of consistency

Enemy #1: Anger

I had sent Will to my bedroom (our spanking place), and I was hot on his heels when Patricia grabbed my hand and held it firmly. “You are too angry,” she said; and she was right. I walked up and down our hallway, asking Jesus to help me calm down. He did. I went in and Will got his spanking, but not from an angry dad.

Patricia knew from past experience that anger clouded my judgment. My words and my spanks were in danger of being overcharged from the adrenalin that comes with anger. She slowed me down because she knew “man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:20)

When we discipline in anger, our perspective is skewed; and consequently, our message to our children is obscured. Instead of disciplining our children in a clear Godward direction, we leave them confused, hurt, and often angry, too. Anger does more harm than good.

Enemy #2: Lack of clarity

Another enemy of consistency came up in the first question at our most recent discussion: “The discipline area is where it is hardest to be consistent, and we have difficulty keeping the standard. What kinds of things call for a spanking?”

This is a great question because an uncertain parent will produce an uncertain child. Why do we spank? Dennis and Barbara Rainey recommend the following scripture, and we think it is a good place to start. Their thinking was that we should hate what God hates.

Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

We shortened the list for our own family to disrespect, disobedience, lying, and stealing. These things were always a big deal, and we spanked for them. You may make your own list, but have a list that you believe deserve a spanking. Discuss it with your spouse until you agree, and then remind one another as situations arise. Just having this list will help you become more consistent.

Enemy #3: Quick tears

Finally, don’t be taken in by tears. In Exodus 34:7, God says this about Himself: “He never lets the guilty go unpunished.” Tears come for many reasons: fear, pain, regret, repentance, even joy. Even genuine tears and forgiveness do not erase consequences. And we certainly cannot allow tears to negate our God-given responsibility.

A large percentage of what a child learns, he learns by age five. This young, cute age is the best time to impart respect and attention for God. Let’s adopt God’s ways and “never let the guilty go unpunished.”

All of us need to be aware of these three enemies to our own consistency:

Anger

Lack of clarity

Quick tears

As we build our consistency on God’s eternal truth, we will open a door for God to work in the hearts of our children.

DISCIPLINE, LONG-RANGE VISION: Exhausted but glad!

I saw Georgie the other day; only I shouldn’t say his name is Georgie. Now it’s George; he’s married with a three-year-old daughter. I remembered one of my first encounters with him when he was in sixth grade. He was sent to the office because he simply would not do as the teacher asked. When the secretary told him to sit down, he defiantly muttered, “You can’t tell me what to do.” Georgie was building quite a resume in his first week at our school.

Upon returning to the office, I saw him standing there resolutely, imagining that the whole world was against him. At that moment in his life, that was probably close to the truth.

I guided him into my office and we began to talk. Again, Georgie was difficult, unreasonable, and defiant. In normal circumstances like that, I prescribe a good old-fashioned middle school spanking. Georgie was a prime candidate.

After checking his file, I noted that his dad wished to be called before Georgie would be spanked. I dialed his number. When he answered, I explained the situation and ended by saying that Georgie needed to be spanked. Then I added, “I can do it or you can come do it.” He said, “I’ll come.”

When Georgie’s dad arrived, we met again in my office: Georgie, his dad, and me. Georgie’s attitude was unchanged, demonstrating belligerence and anger at everyone involved, including his dad. Then his dad made a strange request; he asked Georgie to step out while he talked with me. Georgie did. Then his dad turned to me and confessed, “I have never spanked him; how do you do it?”

I showed him how to grip the paddle and how to use his wrist action to give a good pop at the end of the swing. He caught on quickly, and we asked Georgie to step into the room. I think that Georgie was so shocked to see his dad holding a paddle that he forgot to be upset. He followed my directions as I instructed him how to receive a paddling. Mr. S. delivered a very solid whack to the rear end of his son, who immediately stood up and burst into tears. His dad looked him right in the eye and said, “If you are going to go to school here, you will obey the rules.”

After Georgie regained his composure, we returned him to class where he obeyed and followed directions quite like a little gentleman.

His dad, on the other hand, was exhausted and elated. It had taken everything he had to give his son a spanking, but he was encouraged that he had taken to the task at hand. He was even more encouraged by his son’s response. After a few minutes, he got up, thanked me and left. He was the first person I ever taught to spank his own child.

And George is now all grown up with a family. By the way, he is a teacher and a coach. He stopped by my office to see me and to reminisce. I asked him if he remembered that day in my office. He didn’t remember it at all. Then he shared with me about his daughter’s heart condition and asked me to pray. I did and he left. It was good to see him.

I wondered as he left, “Where would he be if his dad had not walloped him that day in my office?” I believe that it was a significant day for both him and his father. Mr. S. gave everything he had that day to train and correct his son. He was exhausted and glad. I imagine that he is still glad today as he watches his son take on responsible fatherhood.

Today, I challenge dads to train and to correct your children. It will take all that you have, but you’ll be glad.

As you trust God and do the right thing, you will see His blessing on your children.

Discipline: To spank or not to spank (Tip #8b)

When you picture a child receiving a spanking, what picture is in your mind? What do you see happening? Many people see abusive words, uncontrolled adult passions, and ineffective results.

In August of 2006, an article was published in Parenting magazine about spanking. It simply stated that between the ages of three and four, 94% of children receive at least one spanking. I was astounded! With all the fuss against spanking in today’s U.S. culture, it seemed to me an unbelievable statistic. But the truth is that almost all of us, at some point, spank our children.

Then I asked myself this question: Who teaches people to spank so that it does not end in abuse? So that it remains sane and beneficial?

I confess: We spanked our children often. We were taught how by caring friends and by wise advice that we found in a few good books. Today we share with you a simple procedure that will help make a spanking effective as part of your overall discipline plan. It is just one tool in your discipline toolbox. Consider this:

Prov. 6:23 For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light,

and the corrections of discipline are the way to life.

Commands and teaching go with corrections and punishments. They lead to life.

Words alone don’t get it done.

Punishments alone don’t get it done.

Together corrections and conversations bring life.

First, know why you spank and it will help keep you from abuse. Dennis and Barbara Rainey used Proverbs 6:16-19 as their list of reasons to spank. Look it up, discuss it, and agree about your own reasons as parents in your home. Knowing why will help you align your reasons with God’s reasons. The Bible does not come out and say “this is when to spank”.

It does give principles. Learn to apply the principles in real time and real life.

Next, use a procedure that keeps you consistent and controlled. Here is our procedure in an acronym.

S—Separation: Remove your child from the situation. Guard his/her privacy and dignity because your child was made in God’s image. Do not spank him in front of others. Keep it private.

P—Principle: Some principle of right behavior was broken.When you are alone, ask a factual question: What did you do wrong? What did I say to you? What did I tell you to do? You are asking for a confession. You may have to explain it to him if he does not get it. Explanation is important because it makes the spanking have a goal; it makes it effective and purposeful to the child. This is critical, for the spanking is a small part of the whole process. Patricia and I made an intentional effort to use the scripture to explain the principle. (Note: As they grow in their understanding, this is a good place to explain that we are all sinners and that Jesus died for our sins.)

A—Action: Get them into position and teach them to receive correction. All of our lives we are under authority. Teach them to bend over and yield to it. Have them lean over the bed, hold their hands out, pull the shorts down and spank on the briefs. Get them to bend over to get a good target. Get to thin material. You may hold them in your lap.

The best tool we used was a 3/8 in. dowel cut to 18 inches in length. You can purchase one at a hardware store. It is flexible, like an old-fashioned switch. Use something that is neutral. Not your hand. The flexibility in the dowel does no harm, but it does sting. It gets their attention. In addition, the time it takes you to get the tool helps you cool down and be under control. You hand is too “handy.”

Am I hitting too hard? Take time to pop yourself so that you know about how hard to hit. Walking through this process is not a spur of the moment reaction. The process raises the significance of the moment. Get their attention. ONE GOOD POP. You get their attention. (Note: Don’t tell them one pop, just get in a good pop.)

N—kNeel: Kneel and pray. Often the child will repent immediately. They will say, “I’m sorry.” At that moment the punishment is over. Then take time to hug them, to pray with them. Have them pray. Again, this may be a good time to explain how Jesus died for our sins. Lead them to ask for forgiveness from God and from anyone they may have offended.

K—Kiss: Most of the time, your child will want to know that he is forgiven. The comforting time is critical after the spanking. You may need to take the child back to the situation. Recreate the moment and renew the command. He has opportunity to obey and now you may comfort him joyfully. By “kiss” we mean that you must let him know that the relationship is restored and the punishment is over.

Remember: A spanking is a small part of the training process. It is not a cure-all. If you keep it in this type of context, you will see it become effective for you and your child.

Note: We understand that there are many variables in the above guidelines. We urge you to prayerfully seek how to adapt this within your family, whenever you decide to pull the spanking tool out of your discipline toolbox.