I Can MakeThe Rules For My Toothbrush

On November 11, 1995, as we were completing the bedtime ritual, three year old Jean-Luc was putting his toothbrush away in the wrong place. When I (Trish) said something to him about it, he said, “It’s my toothbrush, and I can make the rules for it.” 

What a thing in him--desiring to rule and be in control. 

“Well,” I thought, “he needs to rule something.  I guess his toothbrush is a good place to start.”

It is fascinating to watch a child’s personality develop.  Although Jean-Luc was the fifth child, he intrigued us because he acted as a typical first-born--always wanting to be in charge, always wanting to be the leader.

Jean-Luc was expressing a God-given mandate (Gen. 1:28) that he clearly felt at three years of age. Looking back at this from a parenting viewpoint, we see that learning to govern is an important concept to begin teaching our children even at a young age.

The first steps of governing for a child are accepting responsibility for his actions and for his things.  He learns that doing good things brings good consequences and doing bad things brings bad consequences. He learns that caring for or neglecting your things also has consequences.

The next step of governing is self-governing--when he begins to rule himself to choose right over wrong and good over evil. As he develops discernment, he begins to choose the good over the mediocre, and eventually the best over the good.  

The highest form of self-government is a willing submission to the will of Father God.  Jesus stated that he only did what the Father was doing and said what the Father was saying; and all of this he did in the same manner as the Father (John 5:19, 12:49). This is the ongoing process of child training: helping our children to see the Lord and respond to His Spirit and His word willingly.

Now, back to the toothbrush. The sphere that children can govern while they are young and growing is their possessions--taking care of their things.  It may begin with a toothbrush, but it grows to include a bed, a book, a toy, a room, a pet, a company, a house. Each of these things requires training from Mom or Dad. It will take time. It will take effort. They won’t always succeed. No one does.

Nevertheless, clear and consistent training while they are young will bring good habits as children get older.  A procedure for each task will have to be done over and over again with your children.  You are teaching them to “rule over” their things. 

Jesus said learning to be faithful over a few things will bring rulership over much (Luke 16:10). Through this training process you are preparing them for life, and you are preparing them for increase. 

DISCIPLINE: The Language of Love

     “Talking to Dad is like talking to a brick wall,” I said to Mom fifty years ago.
     This was my conclusion after asking my dad for permission to go to a party with my classmates. He simply said, “No, and I don’t want to hear any more about it.” I wondered how he could be so calloused, so harsh. He wouldn’t even listen to reason, my reason. Fifty years later, I understand my dad much better. His life experience gave him wisdom that I didn’t have; so he said “No.” He also knew that he could be swayed and softened—I didn’t know that at the time—so he just took that option off the table: “I don’t want to hear any more about it.”
     The result of using the word “No” is that he, along with Mom, raised three kids who serve Jesus Christ in their adult years.

     “NO” IS A PROTECTION. After a recent field day event at our school, we were loading children to go home. The change in routine caused a more chaotic feel to the moment, and one boy was about to run into the drive to get to his car. One of the teachers saw him and yelled, quite loudly, “NO!” He stopped in his tracks at the curb. Being able to stop our children with one word is invaluable. It keeps them out of the street, away from the edge of Grand Canyon, away from harm, and away from causing harm. “No” is a protection.

     BOUNDARIES ARE A FORM OF “NO.” A playpen, a fence, a gate, a rule: all of these set limits and as a consequence bring a sense of peace. Although it is the nature of children (and also adults) to want to cross the boundaries, strong borders create an atmosphere of peace. My backyard is a combination of jungle and lawn. It has been difficult to tell when jungle ends and lawn begins until recently. I bought some landscaping timbers and simply defined the limits. Later that week, Will came home, sat on the deck, and commented, “It’s so much more peaceful back here.” Boundaries bring peace.

     “NO” BUILDS CHARACTER. The future holds challenges for our children that will stretch their moral fiber to the maximum. If they follow Jesus, they will need endurance, patience, and courage beyond the norm. Jesus said it this way, “If any man would come after me, he must deny himself. . .” He must say “No” to himself. A man pilfers because he cannot say “No” to himself. A person lies because he can’t deny himself. When a man cannot say “No” to himself, he becomes his own god, and the result is painful: debt, addictions, obesity, anger, depression, divorce, disease, and things like these. “No” prepares our children to face and overcome hardship. As parents, we often feel that saying “No” to our children is cheating them, but that is the opposite of the truth. If we don’t say “No,” we are cheating them out of the most important things. Saying “No” builds their character to face hardship, to sacrifice for their own families, to follow Jesus.

     Eight of the Ten Commandments say “No.” It was the formation of a nation, a beginning that needed clear guidelines. Establishing the negatives in the beginning made room for the positives to come in the promised land. The New Testament says that the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ (Gal. 3:24). “For no matter how many promises God has made, they are ‘Yes’ in Christ.” (1 Cor. 1:20) A clear “No” can open the door to a wonderful “Yes.”
     As Christian parents, we have a responsibility to say “No” to our children when they are very young.  If we say “No” in the beginning, we will find that we can say “Yes” when they reach their teens. So many say “Yes” early and then try to bring “No” into the teen years. That creates the conflict and war that so many associate with having teenagers. There is a better way.

     Surprisingly. . .

“No” is the language of love.

COMIC RELIEF

Sometimes, when one is the mom of a few little children at one time, one loses a “sane” perspective and begins to think only of survival…Let me explain…..

I was the busy mom of three children--four years , three years, and one year old. Keith and I were living in Mobile, Alabama, although I was from California and he was from Tennessee; therefore, I had no grandparents nearby that I could ask to watch the kids while I ran errands. We lived on a dirt road in a small white house on a lot that had very recently been a turnip field. So neighbors were not readily available to help us either. When I had errands to run, or children to take somewhere, it was a “family expedition”--everyone and all their paraphernalia came along.

On one particular hectic day about two in the afternoon, I was headed back home with one sick child and two tired ones—all safely strapped in their car seats. We had made all the necessary stops except one--maybe the most important one--the stop for diapers. I pulled into the “last-possible-chance-to-stop” grocery store and looked in the back seat. Oh, no! They were all conked out. Of course! It was nap time; and once again, everything had taken longer than I had planned. I couldn’t wake them up--they had just gone to sleep. And I knew that short naps make short tempers. Waking them up would be setting myself up for a very difficult afternoon.

Sitting in a parking space and pondering my plight, I was desperate! I realized that I had parked in a slot not too far away from the door. A young store clerk had come out to gather up a few grocery baskets and was standing right in front of my car. I jumped into action--here was my answer!

“Excuse me,” I said, as I locked the van, “could you just watch my kids for just a minute? All I have to do is run in and pick up diapers!”

She looked a little bewildered, then confused, like somewhere in the back of her mind she was trying to fit this situation into the “always please the customer” paradigm. This was definitely out of the box and probably not covered in her employee training. I sensed her mental tug-o-war.

“I’ll be right back.” I seized the moment. Carpe diem!

Running into the store, I found the diapers quickly. (I could have found the aisle blindfolded.) Grabbing the Pampers package, I dashed to the Express Lane. No checker. I looked around. I waited. I was feeling more than a little annoyed. Why have express lanes without clerks?

It was then that the manager appeared. He didn’t seem to be having a good day either, but he hurried over to check me out. Together we gave the term “express lane” a whole new meaning.

I expressed my opinion, “It seems that your clerk should be keeping an eye on her aisle.”

He expressed his own frustration, “I’m sorry ma’am, but some crazy lady has my clerk out in the parking lot being her babysitter.”

Simultaneously, we made the connection. We looked at each other and both blushed. He blushed because he realized that he was talking to the crazy lady.

I blushed because I was the crazy lady.

DISCIPLINE: Direct your children (#2 out of 8 great tips)

Going to Baskin-Robbins should be fun, right? Why was this so frustrating? Patricia and I strolled into the ice cream store with visions of being caring, giving, joyful parents with two grateful, polite, and happy kids who would end up with ice cream all over their happy little faces. They would look up at us and say, “You are wonderful parents.” And of course, they would be right. . .but things were not going according to plan. Unfortunately, the kids had not read my script.

We got into the store where we faced 31 delicious flavors, each of them calling out to our little ones, “Choose me, choose me!” Of course, we didn’t hear that because we have adult ears. We said to our little ones, “What would you like?”

Whatever gave us the idea that a six-year-old and a four-year old could suddenly be confronted with this host of tempting flavors and simply make a decision to choose one? In short, we were nuts! They simply could not decide. They went into overload, like a computer trying to handle too much information too quickly, everything started to slow down. They just could not decide and be happy with their decisions. So. . . we stepped in.

We narrowed the choices down to three. Then they could focus and choose. We trimmed the options down so that they could handle it. This is one way that parents direct children: NARROW THE OPTIONS! How little we realize that we create problems by giving children too many choices too soon. The time will come soon enough that they will have more choices than we can control. As they grow we widen the options as they are ready.

For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just . . . (Gen. 18:19 )

God chose Abram in order for him to direct his children. In the beginning when they are young, we don’t negotiate; we don’t say, “OK?” after each instruction. We give direction; we are the parents. We give direction; we are the parents. We give direction; we are the parents. We give. . .

Gathered tips on giving directions: O’Shea and Windell, in their book Fatherstyle Advantage, say, “Make sure it is absolutely clear what is a command and what is a request. If you don’t mean it as a request (which has an option attached to it), then don’t state it that way."

Quote for the week: "Kids today are exposed to more stories that are more powerfully presented than at any time in history. Some are good. Too many are not. We as parents, must choose our children’s media stories carefully. Why? Because whoever tells the stories defines the culture." David Walsh, NO

Question for next week: Share a routine that makes life easier for your family.