Discipline mistake #3: Mom and Dad don’t agree

    Jim and Sally are a great couple. They love God, love God’s people, and serve unselfishly. We have known them for over thirty years, they have been married over forty. They had three kids, now all grown and married. They were agreed on their church and their place in it, but not agreed on how to raise kids.

    As a matter of fact, they were a walking, talking manual of how not to raise kids in unity. Often there was a conflict about when, how, or whether or not to discipline. Sally was doing her best to submit, but not very joyfully, and not very privately. Jim was always ridiculing Sally’s suggestions and using sarcasm to get a laugh or a snicker from his boys.

    The seeds of contempt were sown and the later teen years became quite heart-breaking for Jim and Sally.
   
    When Jim was around, he carried the day; but when he was at work and Sally had the kids, she did things her way. By not backing Jim up, Sally was undermining her own authority with her kids. By not honoring Sally in front of the kids, Jim was sowing seeds of dishonor that would later grow a bitter harvest.

    Today, Jim and Sally are still plugging along together. Their kids are grown and raising their own families, Jim and Sally’s grandkids. Struggles are apparent. They are not part of a church, their kids are not obedient, more heartache seems certain.

    For Mom and Dad to be on the same page is hard work. It takes a commitment from both. Each parent has a big contribution to make toward unity. Each will have to sacrifice to make it happen. It will be worth it.

    The Father wants us to be one because he is seeking children who will display His nature.

    Malachi 2:15  “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit . . .”

    Matthew 6:24  "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” Although Jesus said this about God and money, its truth certainly applies in our homes. Our kids can’t have two masters.

INTEGRITY: Guidance From The Father

I met an impressive young couple very recently. Bright, obviously happy with one another and with their two young daughters, they had come to our school to enroll their girls.

As I always do in those initial parent interviews, I asked why they had decided to enroll their girls at CCS. Right away I realized that this couple was motivated by God’s word. They were living Biblically as much as they possibly could. This Biblical mindset was moving them to consider alternatives that might be the best for their children. This is God’s way:

Parents set the course

for the benefit of the children.

These two elements define a Biblical foundation for how a family works. First, parents make the decisions, set the course, and mark the boundaries. Secondly, the goal of the parents is to help their children. Parents consider their welfare, consider their maturity, and are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the children. Malachi 4 says it this way, “turning the hearts of the fathers toward the children.”

I saw these two elements in this young couple. They were making the decisions for the benefit of their daughters and they were willing to sacrifice to do it.

And there’s more.

The dad responded to my question about enrollment with another facet of walking with God. He said something like this: “As I go about my normal life and business, I really don’t think much about their schooling or about changing what we are currently doing. But in my ‘high times’ with God, this place keeps coming to my mind. I realize that it is God speaking to me.”

“In my high times with God.” Here was young man who took God seriously. In those times when he was sensitive to the Holy Spirit, he sensed an impression in a certain direction. And he was listening!

Parents listen to God’s voice.

There’s still more.

He went on to say that they had called the school early in the year inquiring about openings. At that time, there was a spot for one girl but not the other. When he called back at the end of July, there were openings for both girls. He smiled and said, “Then I knew we had to deal with it. God leads in practical ways.”

Parents walk out their faith in everyday life.

Wow! Their foundation was right. Their sensitivity was right. Their practical application was right. The Bible calls that righteousness.

Meeting that young couple challenged me to check those three areas in my own walk with the Lord. Is my foundation Biblical? Am I being sensitive to the Holy Spirit? Am I walking out my faith in a practical way?

INTEGRITY: Representing God

“Mom, you are God.”

It was Patrick (Patch) when he was about three. Patricia, pregnant with William, was a “stay-at-home mom” with Anna and Patch. She ran Patch’s world and he stated the obvious.

Patricia, on the other hand, was aghast. She denied it, stopped everything and took some time to explain to him who God really was. Without being deterred in his opinion, he ended the conversation by saying, “No, you are God.” Then he went back to playing, theology discussion over for the day.

Patch was pretty close to right in this sense: PARENTS REPRESENT GOD TO THEIR CHILDREN. It is just the way that God set things up. His little mind could not yet grasp the eternal, infinite, all-powerful Creator/Redeemer. (To be honest, my little mind still has trouble grasping who God is.) What he could see and understand was a parent who loved him, cared for him, and ordered his life.

So we ask this question: If we represent God to our children, what God are we representing? A key scripture that called us higher was Exodus 34:6-7.

"The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished. . .”

Here’s what we discovered in this passage.

Compassionate: the root word means “to touch.” Touch your children, hug them, kiss them.

Gracious: the root word means “to bend down.” As God came down to us in Christ, so we must learn as parents to get to their eye level. Play with them in the floor, speak with them eye to eye.

Slow to anger: that means slow to anger. Go figure. It doesn’t mean that we are never angry; it just means that we are patient in the learning process with these entrusted to us by our Father.

Abounding in love and faithfulness: the root of abounding has to do with quantity and time. Love and faithfulness cannot be wrapped in a package and given on a birthday. They are demonstrated by our daily investment of time.

Maintaining love to thousands: the root of maintaining is the idea of guarding and protecting. As our children grow, our love can often be best shown by using the word “No” to protect them. Establish boundaries that protect.

Forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin: the root of forgiving is a powerful word that means to accept, to carry, to help, to pardon, to receive, to hold up. We took out of this the idea that forgiveness needs to be expressed and demonstrated, not just said. Make your forgiveness real by showing it. When they did wrong, we taught them to ask for forgiveness and then we showed them that we really did forgive and that our relationship was restored.

He does not leave the guilty unpunished: the root verb really means to visit, to engage, to get involved. You can’t ignore guilt. We can’t let our children live with it; it is a real thing. Punishment for guilt is a step to closure for wrong-doing. It teaches a child that he is responsible. Helping him deal with guilt gives him a new start. Who wouldn’t want that for his children?

As we represent God to our children, let’s keep in mind how God does things. We think that the list above got us going in the right direction. It also made us pray, asking God for his help and for his own nature to be in us.

You represent God to your children.