Communication: Listen

When I was in college I went to see the pastor of the college church. He was busy; that was obvious. When I walked in, he took his work, folded it up and pushed it aside. With a clear desk, he gave me his full attention. I’ll never forget that. Without saying a word, he communicated to me that I mattered.

Do we do that for our kids? When our kids come to us, what does our mental desk look like? Is it totally full? Can we clear it and listen? What we do to the least of these, we do to Jesus. Do you think that includes our kids?

Value is communicated by listening!

Listening takes time. As you spend time, you will get to know your child.

One of our friends Patti has been intentional about knowing her children. This year her older daughter Rachel, a high school junior, had to complete a personal inventory concerning how she would respond in a group setting. Patti sat with Rachel while she completed the inventory. As Rachel was writing in answers, Patti realized that she knew all the answers before Rachel wrote anything down! For Patti, it was one of those moments when she realized, “All my time and effort to intentionally know my children has been worth it. I know Rachel. I am more than a chauffeur, a cook, a fashion consultant…I know who she is, and what she is about.”

As I read Paul David Tripp’s book The Age of Opportunity, the following two scriptures ate at me. I had to admit that I was not listening. I was all talk and no listen. I was in the company of fools.

Proverbs 18:2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding

but delights in airing his own opinions.

Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening– that is his folly and his shame.

I had no clue what was going on in my kids. Patricia did, but I didn’t. Could I push aside concerns, anxieties, time crunches…and take time? I discovered that the wisest thing I could say might be nothing. If I would just listen, they would be encouraged. If I would take time, they would be valued. If I would hear them, they would hear me. . . later.

What we say matters! How we listen matters!

Tips we’ve netted: 1) Take the necessary time to listen to your kids. 2) Play games together. The interaction is fun and the conversation more natural. (Dads, you don’t have to win;) 3) Invite their input on a project or plan. Mark and Allison Richardson gave their oldest daughter a budget and let her plan their vacation. It took more than one try but she got it, and she learned. She learned that her parents believed in her.

MORE ON STORIES. . .YOUR STORIES

Deut. 6: 20 gives an interesting instruction to the parents of Israel:

In the future, when your son asks you, "What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the LORD our God has commanded you?" tell him: "We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand.”

In other words, Moses instructed the fathers and mothers that your children will ask you questions about your celebrations and ceremonies. When they do, use those questions as opportunities to tell them how God delivered you from Egypt. Remember your history as a people and pass it on to your children. If Moses were standing here with us, he would say the same thing, but the story would be different. Most of us are not Jewish, but we do have a story of God’s intervention and grace in our lives.

My story might sound more like this: As I grew up in middle Tennessee, in the rolling hills of Maury County, the dimple of the universe, God began to speak to me and call me to follow him. . .

You get the idea. Take the highlights of your own story and make a note of them. Ponder them so that they are fresh to you. You will discover that God brings opportunities for you to pass them on. Just last week, I started making a list of stories; I wrote down five. Then I took my list to Patricia and asked her to think of some. She said she just could not think of that “right now” but then she came up with twenty-five more.

Your storehouse of memories is full; take stock, do an inventory of stories of your life. Make a list; five is better than zero.

Your children need your stories more than they need the make-believe stories of today’s celebrities. They need real stories of tough decisions, successes and failures, joys and sorrows, challenges and fun.

Your life, your story, your feelings, your thoughts. How God led you, even when you weren’t aware of it. What God has taught you. What he is showing you now.

When you share about yourself, your vulnerability opens a door between them and you. It also makes a way between them and God. Your openness helps them to be open. Lead the way with stories, your stories.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BECOME THEIR HERO;

YOU ALREADY ARE!